WTF of the Week: Oompa Loompas Wannabees

He uses shoe polish

          We all know that too much sun is not good for us. Paul has to go to the dermatologist every year to get checked because he is predisposed to skin cancer. However, the bleached out look on our bodies is somewhat reminiscent of Michael Jackson in the dead of winter or the death shroud of Lord of the Rings Queen of the Elves (yes, we glow as well).

          We have dabbled in the self tanner since Lee’s idea of tanning is charring in odd patterns followed by pealing and then back to the color of non-fat milk. Here’s where we make our point (yes we have one), we usually pick a color that is in the tanning spectrum. You know, brown, bronze, ecru. So when the fuck did Orange become a tanning color? Really? Orange?

          This desire to look like an Oompa Loompa without the wicked rhythm and songs is kind of like playing gay for a day in our books. Sure it’s cool and everybody is doing it but think of the regret in your bed in the morning. Come on! These guys must have sheets that look like they were getting freaky with a pumpkin. Ewwwwww! 

          We don’t know what’s worse, being so white that you can do a red blood cell count by looking at your chest or being the proud owner of overalls and working for Willy Wonka. We would rather be pale than to look like Trump or Valentino. And while we are on the subject, does the orange affect your hair? Seriously? We get having a little poof, getting a little height, hiding a cow lick but guys, sometimes we just have to let it go.

          And here’s a special message to body builders. Stop it! Not only are you obscenely muscular, ripped, veiny and generally gross (and small willied…don’t lie) then you cover that mess with tanner that makes you look…well, ripped and douchy.  

          So everybody, just stop it! If you are white, tough. If you are blessed with coco skin and a beautiful caramel color then hooray for you. Funny how society discriminates against people of color but they work so hard at attaining their color. Go figure!


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