Top 5 Things you Say to Kids when they ask for a cell phone

Hang on a second. My dad needs to tell me something stupid.

          My parents were not the ‘let’s sit down and discuss this’ kind of parents. If I asked for something I clearly would not get, my mother usually responded with a comment that involved public hair and or inability to wipe my ass. My parents were not only old school they were from a formerly fascist now communist world. The great part was there was no snow on the tiny island of Cuba. The worst stories we heard were about walking from Guanabacoa to Havana, which apparently is far. My father said it was like walking from Los Angeles to Michigan but like most Latin men, he exaggerates.

          5. ’You want a cell phone? Why are you waiting for a call from your secretary? Oh wait, I’m your secretary and you’re right there! Isn’t that convenient? No phone needed.’

          4. ’I have no problem giving you a phone, my darling. Here, take my brand new HTC Hero. While you’re at it, take the car keys too and all of my responsibilities. Oh, your brother has a meeting at school, we need a gallon of milk and you have a writing deadline tomorrow…’

          3. ’Sure, I’ll dig up the portable phone your grandfather had in the 80’s that would get really hot if you used it. Sure it causes cancer, you can’t text on it and it weighs more than you but it’s a phone, right?’

          2. ’Get a job!’ These three words must be repeated when they ask for anything after broaching the phone request, i.e. Kid: Dad, I want a bowl of cereal. Dad: Get a job. Kid: I need underwear. Mom: Get a job. When they break, hug them because hugs are free.

          1. Laugh derisively, shake your head and walk away saying ‘That’s a good one!’ (Kids need positive reinforcement)

          Seriously, and you know who you are, your kid NEEDS a cell phone? I recently went to a party where a kid had the same phone I had and a couple of kids had better phones. They were texting, surfing the net and taking photos. These girls were 10 years old. Think about it, a 10 year old with a smart phone. Did they need the scheduling capabilities? Did they need to be able to update their website with mobile applications? Did they need to be able to send and receive their emails because that’s how they do business? NO. These are the same girls who will be sending titty shots to their boyfriends when they actually get any breasts. These are the same girls who will think that blow jobs are not sex and that because they are taller they are adults.

          Well, I’m sorry little girl. I’m sorry your parents don’t have the balls to stand up to you. I’m sorry your parents would rather silence you with gifts than teach you responsibility. I’m sorry your parents can’t think past their own discomfort and think for once about your future. I’m sorry your parents aren’t creating a safe world for you. And I’m sorry that you were saddled with stupid parents who actually think their precocious child is older because they look older than they really are.

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