The Institution Of Rape
The conversation for feminists has changed recently from equality to one of educating society on the meaning of ‘rape culture’. This discussion is vital, also, for the creation and maintenance of a healthy relationship. Whether you believe it or not, marital rape is very common. The root causes for this behavior are so embedded in our culture and religions that separating right from wrong is tangled in beliefs and concepts of morality. This week we will try to separate the wheat from the chaff and what is healthy versus the dysfunction of some beliefs.
Before we jump into the topic, we need to have full disclosure- we are feminists. There is much written for and against this moniker. We simply believe that everyone should be equal and, due to our patriarchal society, women have historically been relegated to a second class citizen role. There have been advances and there have been successes, however, we are not equal until we are all equal. To that end, we need to address some of the issues that keep the status quo like judging a woman by the length of her skirt or using phrases like ‘boys will be boys’ or ‘men have needs’.
Rape culture refers to these types of beliefs. If we believe that a woman’s mode of dress can be an invitation to rape or that a man’s need for sex somehow is uncontrollable, that is part of the intricate belief system at the root of rape culture. If we continue the double standard between boys and girls regarding sex, like boys need to sew their wild oats and girls need to attend purity balls and commit their virginity to their dates that happens to be their Fathers then rape culture will continue. If we make rape a political topic where one side uses terms like ‘coveted status’ when referring to rape victims and that pregnancy as a result of rape is a gift from God, then we will continue to support rape.
This topic was inspired by a quote from the matriarch of Duggar family, famous for having enough kids to play baseball with two teams and relief pitcher. She gave her daughter the following advice: “And so be available, and not just available, but be joyfully available for him. Smile and be willing to say, ‘Yes, sweetie I am here for you,’ no matter what, even though you may be exhausted and big pregnant and you may not feel like he feels. ‘I’m still here for you and I’m going to meet that need because I know it’s a need for you.’”
That is her advice, be “joyfully available for him”. Smile, lay there, and be there for him.
Look, we here at CoupleDumb have much to say and not all of it nice but this expectation within a marriage is not healthy. All marriages are not created equally and if we are to play the odds we know that some men can be assholes and the expectation of availability whenever he wants will be abused.
What do you think? We want to know? How realistic is this idea?