The Female Orgasm

Real Relationship Advice

The Unicorn. The Yeti. The Female Orgasm. Three of the most elusive things that have been thought myth but some people swear by them. The Female Orgasm is considered useless because it serves no purpose in the sexual act. While a man’s orgasm is the delivery system for one of the ingredients in creating life, the female orgasm does not help or hinder baby making. In fact, Female Sexual Dysfunction is so common that many scientists believe that it isn’t a dysfunction at all! Perhaps we aren’t meant to enjoy sex like men. Perhaps we are just there as a receptacle and hopeful carrier of the male seed to produce more males who will continue this cycle. And perhaps the scientists are thinking about the orgasm completely wrong.

Science has been good enough to note that relaxation is the number 1 contributing factor to being able to achieve an orgasm. However, the concept of being relaxed is a lot more complicated than a deep breath and recitation of a mantra. Relaxation has several components that must be present or you just can’t achieve it. As we have mentioned in our relaxation series on Thursdays, the most important part of being relaxed is trusting. In the milieu of bed gymnastics, this is imperative. If you do not trust your partner then you will not achieve an orgasm. If you do not trust yourself, you will not achieve an orgasm.

Furthermore, women are socialized about sex differently. In the old days, the scientific community believed that schizophrenia was caused by the maternal double bind. A double bind is where you receive two or more conflicting messages where they ultimately negate each other. If the old theory of schizophrenia were true, all women would be sexual schizophrenics. We are told that our virginity is golden and then are told by our peers that virginity is tantamount to a curse. We are told that good girls don’t but those who don’t are cockteasers. We are told by our lovers that sex will strengthen the relationship and then after find out that we are no longer respected because we ‘gave it up’. We are constantly fed these two messages as we grow up and then when we reach womanhood we hear that we should be having sex with our partners, we are responsible for our orgasms and we should enjoy ourselves. However, with 20 years of misinformation mixed with trauma and a smidge of confusion, how are we supposed to be the vixens we are expected to be?

Science has also not explored the detrimental effect of shame on sexual health. A person who carries shame cannot allow such intense pleasure as an orgasm. If you carry any kind of shame surrounding your sex life, gender, body image, past experiences or even your own ineptitude, you will not be able to trust enough to relax enough to be able to achieve climax. Shame will work against you by reminding you, distracting you and eventually killing your ardor.

Female Sexual Dysfunction affects over 43% of all women. The psychological and physiological factors of Female Sexual Dysfunction are treatable but the first step would be to identify that you have a problem and that you deserve better. Ultimately, lack of worthiness is probably the biggest culprit in the quest for the Big O. When we try so hard for so long, sometimes we give up especially when the one who will benefit the most is ourselves. This is not intended to be ‘punny’ but achieving an orgasm really necessitates a large dose of self love. Without this, why would we go through the bother?

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