Talking About S-E-X
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As we close up summer and enter the fall, our minds turn towards more homebound pursuits. Many people focus on getting their homes ready for the winter or return to their book clubs and knitting circles. The ‘not so hot months’ has us thinking of something very different: SEX. We know that, as highly intellectual folk, sex is something base and animalistic but those are the exact reasons why we like it. Yes, we have discussed sex before but it seems to come up so often in our discussions, we thought we would take another whack at it. What’s the angle this time? Bestiality? Contraptions? Contraception? Nah! We’re gonna talk about important things like good sex vs. bad sex, the role of sex in a relationship, using sex as a weapon and what is that darned message we are passing on to kids about sex.
Lee says: At what age did you receive the big sex talk? At what age did you or do you plan to tell your children? The most interesting thing is that a lot of adults do not have a story about their sex talk summit nor do they plan on having a chat with their kids. Many parents have decided to let nature take its course, let the schools inform their kids and allow the child’s friends to fill in the juicy parts. We have taken our parents’ cowardice and separated ourselves a few degrees from the spinelessness and hired teachers, PR companies and films to spill the sex beans.
The worse part of all of this is that we are not censoring what the kids are hearing. No, I’m not talking about censoring sex I am saying that we are sending out the wrong messages about sex. Besides the obvious pressure to engage in an act that they are not physically, emotionally or mentally prepared for, we have allowed the media, in every form, to make the ability to perform a sex act as elusive as a gift or talent. In other words, we have taught our children that a biological process that we were created to do to procreate the species can only be done proficiently by a handful of people. More to the point, you can be bad at sex.
What is the message we are sending our kids? We have kid shows on children’s channels talking about ‘good kissers’ and we have sitcoms alluding to bad partners. Children do pick up innuendo and these messages stick. If they want to become good at something, they will practice and if practice makes perfect they will obsess on this. This message is so underhandedly subversive that it is worse than the pressure to engage in sex at an earlier age. What it does is that it elevates sex to something akin to soccer. Some people are really good at it, some know the basics, some are just spectators who appreciate the pros, a few think it is a waste of time and we generally agree that other nationalities do it better.
We were engineered to have sex. Look at the body! Bad sex is something that comes from emotional issues not physical and it is not a question of only technique but emotional connection. Since we have forgotten that, the idea of talking to our kids about sex becomes repulsive and terrifying. It is natural. Talk to them like you did when you potty trained them. This is the process. Explain how sex is better when there is a deeper connection and eliminate the anxiety of expertise from the onset.
Get comfortable with the idea that it is your job to teach your child the beauty of a body and the process of sharing it with someone else. No, I am not saying that you will be their sex mentor but your attitude towards the subject will teach them more than what you say. So turn off the TV and sit down with your little one and teach them boundaries and to wait for the right one. Not abstinence but choosiness.
Paul says: Stop touching yourself. It’s gonna fall off.