Sexual Refusal and the Kitchen Sink

If you thought I was done with Josh Duggar and the Christian Rights shenanigans this past Summer, you are mistaken. These last few months have been a veritable cornucopia of hanky panky when they should have been out doing the Lord’s work. Some of the news has risen to the level where I cannot sit on my hands any longer. For example, there are those Christian folks out there who insist on explaining how a man and woman should behave in a marriage and more specifically, what to do when the wife won’t put out. These are the folks we will be addressing today since we think the furor has died down but the ideas are still out there.

Rebuke me, baby. Rebuke me hard!

Rebuke me, baby. Rebuke me hard!

In his post 8 steps to confront your wife’s sexual refusal, the writer details how a man should deal with his wife that denies him nookie. I have to point out first that the writer is anonymous. In his About Page, he provides some information as to his credentials. First, he started his blog as a way to vent about feminism and how it has confused gender roles. He also offered that he is a married, white, male in his 40s with 1 divorce under his belt. His expertise then is as a Christian male and we all know that because of this, and because the Bible says so, he knows the truth. For the sake of clarity, we will call him John Jesus Doe – JJ for short.

So, what does JJ offer as a means to which a married man can confront his wife if she says no to sexy time? First, he says to rebuke her privately. Now, to be clear, he expects you to talk nicely to her first. Everyone likes a good rebuking, no? If that doesn’t get her to put out then you shame her publicly by rebuking her in front of witnesses.  JJ suggests a counselor or even a sex therapist. Just a quick note here: as a therapist, if someone brings in his wife for me to witness him rebuking her, I would not stand for that. JJ does not know how counseling/sex therapy works. And, of course, if she is still holding out, take her to church and tell on her to the congregation/pastor/Jesus.

If all that rebuking doesn’t work, it is time for the man to hold out. JJ suggests to not take her on trips, dates and then stop funding household upgrades because we all know that the ladies go wild for a stainless steel fridge and a farmhouse sink. He also suggests not to help around the house and to take away her money/ATM card. No, I am not making this up. JJ believes that you could be spoiling your lady with shoulder massages, so stop it. She won’t put out so you should basically treat her like a teenager who is grounded – no allowance and no help.

JJ’s final nugget of advice is the nuclear option- divorce her for sexual immorality. What’s that now? You don’t understand that her withholding of sex for no other reason than she doesn’t want to is considered immoral because she is beholden to her husband and must deliver the goods. The Bible is clear that her body belongs to him and his to her and as such sexual relations are part of the package deal.

JJ explains that all of this is not manipulative but a form of discipline. He thinks that as the head of household he can discipline his wife for withholding sex like taxes or a FICA. What JJ never mentions and never crosses his mind is what if she is withholding sex because he is really bad at it or what if he is a horrible human being?

It is too easy to attack JJ and his warped idea of marriage. At no point does he really discuss that she may need help. He goes from discussing things nicely to rebuking. This concept of discipline within a marriage, and not for sex play and fun, is a slippery slope that can lead to abuse. But that is just the thing. JJ and all these Duggars and religious asshats who feel that a man has to treat his wife like another child who needs to be disciplined and dealt with are creating a whole generation of broken men. Even the Bible explains that women were created as helpmates not beneath a man and definitely not needing him to keep her in line. Just like the Duggar wife is taking the blame for her husband’s affairs and sexual deviation, women are not to be trusted and the fall of every man is due to her action or inaction.

In the end, it is like how we used to blame schizophrenia on mothers putting kids in ‘double binds’. A double bind message is like ‘Mommy loves you’ and then you beat the child. Or we say, God loves us unconditionally and believe that He will send us to Hell if we don’t do what He says. In a marriage, you can’t be a lover and a parent. That is icky. In a marriage you are either going to be your spouse’s mate or warden.  In a Christian marriage that JJ proposes, you aren’t going to get both.

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