Sex and Blue’s Clues

I wouldn't let those kids out. They look pissed.

          It’s Tuesday at CoupleDumb where we are giggling to ourselves. You see, today we are talking about having sex when you have children. The most searched keywords for the previous sentence are ‘sex’ and ‘children’ which means there are going to be some very disappointed perverts trying to find their kiddy porn and getting us instead. So indulge us as we bump up our readership by saying sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

          Paul says: The other day, someone wrote on their twitter the question, how can you have exciting sex when you have kids? My response is, how can you not? With two of our children ages 5 and under, getting our groove-on is like James Bond sex that happens between the gun fire and the explosion. It is an espionage-like maneuver that requires forethought and, most importantly, a distraction. We like television shows as a mesmerizing device. Crank up Blue’s Clues to a white noise level and we are ready to rock. There have been numerous times where our sex talk has sounded like, ‘tell me who’s clue it is. Tell me.’

          ‘It’s Blue’s Clues, baby. Oh God, it’s Blue’s Clues.’

          Anyone that thinks that children dampen the lustful ardor isn’t being imaginative. Obviously, I fully understand the fatigue of balancing career and family but part of having a family is the ability to weave a good boinking into the schedule, somewhere between breakfast and t-ball practice. It’s all about priorities and being committed. I say, ‘butch up and get the job done’.

          One of the issues that hamper good sex, outside of normal parental exhaustion, is our own perception of what sex is supposed to look like. In our fantasies’, we are all hot and sexy. The carnal act is passionate, starting on a wall and ending on the dining room table. But I am here to burst your bubble. Even if you didn’t have the rugrats trying to eat around your naked butt, you would not be doing it on the table. You know why? Because it is uncomfortable and you are old. If you are in your mid-forties like me (45 at the end of the month) then you know that the sheer task of craning you and your lover onto the table would, in itself, stop the act. If the moans of protest coming from the table are louder than the moans of passion then you are in danger.

          But we maintain this illusion. We build it up in our minds. ‘I don’t have a couple of hours to have sex.’ For most people, sex doesn’t take that long. Yes it varies from person to person but, in general, the act is relatively quick. As a caveat, I am writing about the normal range of sexual behavior. If you are incapable of achieving orgasm because daddy’s face is there when you close your eyes, I encourage you to seek a mental health professional. For everyone else, you will be surprised at how much satisfaction you can attain while Elmo instructs you child on the ins-and-outs of shoe tying.

          So I will leave you with the wise words of one of our modern day prophets, Larry the Cable Guy, when he says, ‘Get-r-done!’

          Lee says: He he he, he said Elmo and ins and outs.

          I liken the battle to get some to our premarital sexcapades. Before the ‘I dos’ there was a while of ‘we dids’. We both lived with our parents and the drive to find some privacy took us to places that would scare the crap out of us now. Much like the dining room table, I don’t feel safe and comfortable in a sleazy motel so the safety of my California King is as far as I go. With our kids around, we have the added incentive not to damage their little psyches. I realize the last thing a child ever wants to see is Mommy and Daddy doing the wheelbarrow or the Union of the Cat.

          However, we can’t stress enough the importance in keeping this part of your marriage alive and healthy. Remember, before you were Mom and Dad you were girl and guy (or girl and girl or guy and guy- we don’t judge). Sex is an important part of an adult’s life that should not be given up because children have joined your blessed union. Besides, how many times can you watch Steve and Joe search for clues? Are these guys retarded or something?

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