Santa is in ICU because you didn’t behave.

Or maybe he died because of a clogged artery. Once a year is not an exercise routine.

          OMG! It is December 8th. Now the Scrooges must stop humbugging about Christmas décor and bitching about the over commercialism of this holiday. It is time for all of you to pretend you love the season and are always in the spirit. Honestly, how many of you listen to Christmas music in the summer? We do but then again we are fanatics who should probably stick to our medication schedules. Just to show all of you how warm and tingly we are during this time of year, we are giving away a Dysaffirmation basket! You are probably wondering, ‘What the hell is in a Dysaffirmation basket?’ Glad you asked. We will include a Dysaffirmation Book, a Dysaffirmation coffee mug, a Dysaffirmation t-shirt and a magnet! We’ve gone completely insane! Check in tomorrow for details on how 3 lucky winners can win. Why are we doing this? We’re just showing our kids that it’s nice to give while lying to them about everything else.

          Lee says: What is real about Christmas? If you are a Christian, you believe that this is the season we celebrate the birth of the Christ. If you are Jewish, you believe that a little bit of oil lasted for a bunch of days. If you are a pagan, you celebrate the Winter Solstice and feel the need to make a thin cake, roll it with cream inside then decorate it to look like a log. Whatever the belief, there is a little stretching of the truth during this time. This is the time of the year when adults are in on the joke and kids are duped to believe in elves and flying caribou and obese men in red furry suits going through chimneys to leave them gifts.

          So we lie to our kids. Some parents have tremendous problems with lying to their children and think of it as something naughty. Paul and I are not big proponents of lying to children but never say never to anything when it comes to parenting. Yes, that even includes the ever awful spanking. I suppose you can say we won’t waterboard the kids but Paul will insist that we say we reserve the right to torture them.

          Unfortunately, sometimes lying is a necessary evil when it comes to parenting. When you tell your kids that it won’t hurt when you remove a Band-Aid or the vaccine will feel like a little pinch, these are the white lies we tell our children to keep them safe and healthy. Telling them that fish sticks are really chicken or broccoli are little trees and they are giants are fibs that keep the world going round. I challenge a parent to tell me that they have never said an untruth to there child.

          However, if we insist on a child’s honesty, aren’t we perpetrating the very crime we detest? Nope! Fostering a child’s honesty, aside from character building is really a tool to maintain their safety. You want to be able to take care of your kids if they lie to you all the time. ‘Hey Jimmy did you drink the bleach?’ ‘No (cough cough)…’ or ‘Suzy, did you go on the computer and chat with a 14 year old girl who’s screen name is FX-E-Ho?’ The truth is needed from them so that you can adjust their world to keep them safe.

          So am I being nice by telling Ricky that Santa will take his stocking if he sticks another juice box or toy in it? Maybe not nice but I am being a Mommy. And if you think you can get away with being nice all the time as a Mommy, you are really naughtier than I am.

          Paul says: Reading what Lee has written, I feel that I need to add the following:

–      Torture is such an ugly word. Accurate, yes, but still ugly.

–      The Santa story isn’t a lie. There is a spirit of love and giving out there but it does not have reindeer. I cannot get into the concept of divine connectedness and love with my little boys any more than I could talk about the pleasures of orgasm. They are not ready for that. (I hope.)

–      I can only hope to find a toy or juice box in Ricky’s stocking. I am more concerned with finding a desiccated rodent or a homemade piece of fecal matter.

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