Pope pushes for abstinence (because he’s ugly)

Who's getting laid?

Welcome to the Celebrity Smackdown!  This week we are expanding the traditional definition of celebrity.  This guy has not made any films that mainstream America would watch or written any books that your avid reader would read unless they were forced to.  However, this man is photographed thousands of times a day and has a whole media enterprise at his finger tips.  Millions, if not a billion, of people listen to him (kind of) and you had better kiss his ring when you visit him.

Of course I’m talking about the Pope, El Papa, The Big Catholic Cheese, The Holy Head Honcho himself, Benedict XVI.  So what has Ratzinger (his real name. You didn’t think it was Pope Benedict, did you?) done in the last few days that would piss us off?  What heinous thing, aside from lifting the ex-communication of a Holocaust denier, has he done now?  Apparently, the old Papa has thrown his two cents into how to solve the global AIDS pandemic.  On his way to Africa yesterday, he said that condoms were not the way to curb the spread of AIDS.  He said, ‘You can’t solve it [AIDS] with the distribution of condoms.  On the contrary, it increases the problem.’

This kind of statement is what we talked about on Monday; men like to make rules to keep themselves in power.  Not only do men make rules, they like making rules and statements about shit they don’t even understand.  Consider the Pope for instance.  This man of God actually believes he could speak intelligently about a sexually transmitted disease.  This man actually believes that if you give someone a pocketful of condoms it will increase their chances of contracting HIV.  This man actually believes that aside from homely nuns and priests, ascetics, psychos and toddlers that normal adults would choose to be abstinent to avoid diseases.  This man is celibate and he’s promoting that as a viable solution to a ruthless disease.   

Yes, let’s push for abstinence because it’s worked so well with teen pregnancy.  A recent catholic study showed that teen pregnancy substantially tapers off after the age of 25!  Wow!  That’s fantastic.  How can you ask people to be abstinence especially in Africa that has 60% of the worlds HIV infected people?  Why is the number so high?  Because we recently thought to send them some condoms!  Instead of pushing prevention, testing and treatment, the Catholic Church is going to pump millions of dollars into the nation to teach them to keep it in their pants. 

O.K. Benedict, this deserves more than a smackdown.  Perhaps even a spanking!  First of all, there is a lovely Cuban saying, ‘Que sabe el burro de pasta de diente?’ Which is translated to ‘What does a burro (or ass) know about tooth paste?’  The answer: NOTHING!  Papa, you are talking out your burro and touting the company line on abstinence is only going to make matters worse in a country on the verge of annihilation.  The only thing they have left is God and a few condoms from some organizations that are there to really work the issue.  You forget that when you speak, people actually think you are talking for God.  As good former Catholics we know that you have yet to speak infallibly and would strongly question you if you said you did.  Even your own nuns and priests in the trenches think you are full of shit!  Our advice is to shut the fuck up and talk about stuff you do know about like Nazi’s and sticking your foot in your mouth. 

So you’ve been smacked Ratzinger.  We await your smiting.

P.S. We miss John Paul II.


  • Susan

    The Rat. He’s a piece of work. Always has been. Having trouble staying Catholic.

    I have always maintained that it feels out-of-whack to get advice about sex and marriage from a man who has never been married and supposedly has no sex life. I’d sooner go to a hooker and a divorcée!

    My Church is so very out-of-touch with the world. And I am sorry to say that, after going through half the preparation, my 17 yr old has very recently decided to delay being confirmed this spring as a full member of the Church because she realized she doesn’t know why she’s doing it except that everyone else is. Although she has been active member of our church’s youth group, she has felt little connection to the teachings and personnel to the point of feeling alienated. I support her decision to wait, to give it some more thought, (I was confirmed at age 12, when I didn’t know I could even do anything but be confirmed…) because I don’t believe her being a Catholic lemming will serve her well in her lifetime.


  • Anne

    Wow! We were JUST talking about this at dinner tonight. For someone who only gets to watch Handy Manny and NEVER reads the papers anymore I feel so current! Thanks for taking on such a good topic and putting it in such plain English. =)

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  • Bob

    Uncle Fester looks like Archbishop Favalora of the Archdiocesan of Miami,
    Fla. Perhaps Favalora will employ the Pope’s policy and the rank and file priests will practice what they preach.

  • symptoms of pregnancy

    I love this article!! I have been reading this blog for quite sometime now, and this is my first comment. I would like to tell you that I enjoy reading this blog, and that I love thought provoking articles like this!

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