Love, Cheating and Weaponry

Plastic wrap over the face cures all forms of cheating

          We are talking about cheating here at CoupleDumb. Why not? We figure everyone else in the nation is. Instead of asking why people cheat, how about we look at why people don’t. Yes, we’re optimists.

          Paul says: Before Lee and I got married, during our courtship period, we had some discussion about infidelity and the whole breakup process in general. Let me point out that infidelity and breakup went hand in hand at that time. First, you need to understand young CoupleDumb’s opinion on breaking up. The idea of an amiable separation was not a possibility. I have always had a flair for the brooding dramatic and young me was even worse than old me, if you can believe that. So, describing me with a sentence that ended ‘…before turning the gun on himself’ was perfectly acceptable in my construct of the first years of our marriage. Also, keep in mind that, at that time, I was the introvert. Lee was the outgoing passionate one. So I know that, if we ever broke up, I had better learn to shot and dodge because bullets were coming my way too.

          If break up was conventional warfare, infidelity was nuclear destruction. It was the fast track to all out insanity. It was the scenario where the cops are dragging me as I yell, slathering, ‘Yes, I cut the bitch up. I cut up her boyfriend too. You know why? Because she’s a whore. Whore! WHORE!’ And I continue repeating the word for the next 7 or 8 years.

          As we started writing about infidelity, I began to question where all of this passion came from. I did not have the same story as Lee. To the best of my knowledge, my folks were staunchly faithful. Cheating was a complete non-issue in my family, neither discussed as a cautionary tale nor was fidelity a badge of honor. It simply was not talked about at all. Then Lee asked, ‘What about grandpa’ and it all came into play. You see, grandpa was an addict; alcohol, drugs and sex. He had the trifecta. Of course, I did not understand all of this as a kid. I was all right with my parents being physically loving with each other but not grandma and grandpa.

          My grandparents were the classic example of dysfunction. They argued constantly. They used disrespectful language to each other. I understood, even as a child, that that part was bad. What I didn’t understand was how screwed up our simple strolls around the block were. When I was at my grandparents, which I did quite often, we would take walks around the block for exercise and just to get out of the house. Or so I thought. My grandfolks lived in one of those odd areas that was a really nice neighborhood but surrounded by the more seedy larger thoroughfares. Bottom line is that the prostitutes of the area all knew my grandfather by name. I thought that it was because he was just so friendly. Now, I must admit that I am rethinking this.

          There is a good possibility that my parents did not talk about infidelity because they saw it firsthand. My grandparents had a crappy marriage and my parents were wise enough to know that they did not want that. Nothing like watching someone else’s craziness to straighten your shit out.

          Lee says: Paul forgets that some of his psychological make-up also comes from his paternal grandfather who was described by my father-in-law as absent and unfaithful. His father was the role model of loyalty.

          Now, to clear up some misconceptions that Paul may have started, I would never have shot Paul if he had been unfaithful. Shooting is so violent and messy. I would have gone for poison since back in the day there wasn’t any of that fancy CSI shit to worry about.

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