Lee’s (not a) Christmas list
Lee says: It is not hard for me to be selfless. It comes naturally. However, since I hold court over so many fans, I receive gifts all the time. Here is a list of gifts that would piss me off.
Handy Hairbrush by Mason Pearson
O.K., I’ve got great hair. I can’t lie. But seriously if anyone pays more than a few bucks for a brush I start getting antsy. This fucking brush, which I would confuse with my doggy’s, is $170.00. Do you know how much that is in real people money? Bitch please I use my fingers to brush my hair and those were free.
Red Beagle Wall Art
Paul and I had a beagle. He was our first child. Cashew was the best dog in the universe. This is not art. This is a fourth graders collage project. It’s not that expensive but spending any money on this crap is tantamount to giving away the crown jewels. I ain’t cheap people I just don’t piss my money away.
Boston Navy Breakfast Pillow
Throw pillows are cute. Throw pillows are great accents for any décor. But to pay $50.00 for a fucking pillow that you aren’t even going to sleep on is beyond décor and bordering on psychotic. Was the pillow stuffed with kimodo dragon or unicorn? What the fuck pillow makers?
Cat Porcelain Cameo Pin
I hate cats and only women from the turn of the last century should wear cameos. And if you spent $228.00 to give me this I would pin it to your eye. Just saying.
Bodum 3020-16US Espresso Granos
I love coffee and this gift is so beautiful. However, since I do not live in the Los Angeles hills flying saucer house yet, it just would not match the décor of my boring Miami track home. And for $500.00 I can have a barrista blow me at Starbucks while I drink my latte.
I am so selfless that I want nothing for Christmas, my friends. However, my birthday is on December 19th and I expect all you bitches to break the bank. Merry Christmas!