Kate is tired of sex

          How do we define a couple? How do you define it? Does it mean when two people choose to be together? Is it the natural progression of a dating pair that falls into a pattern? We think a lot of people would fall into the latter definition. Many couples have little recollection of the definitive moment that they chose to be together. These days, going out, living together and a break up are done almost unconsciously.

          Lee says: In today’s entry into the video log diary for the web series ‘Chris and Kate’, we see Kate after a recent sexcapade with Chris. She starts by saying she is tired of having sex. She does not blame Chris but as a porn star, I would imagine this is an occupational hazard; kind of like eating lobster and chocolate every day. I know what you are thinking, sign me up!

          But Kate’s entry today shows a different side of her. She can identify feelings. She gives us a better glimpse at her home-life where her father had a 12 year old best friend named Brian and was subsequently arrested for said relationship. Kate believes she was in love with this boy who was her first sex partner. She was 14 and he was 12. I will assume Dad was nearby during their activity. But here she is, in love with the memory of her first ‘lover’ during a time and stage in her life where hormones run high, everything is enhanced and pronounced and drama is on tap and in bottles. She can identify that she felt something for him and contemplates whether this was her only opportunity of being in love. In other words, she does not love Chris.

          Some of the other reveals in this entry would be that she was an outsider in school. The references to Facebook messages of ‘we were such good friends blah blah’ is not lost on me. I was a loner back in the day but my porn career has not been as illustrious as Kate’s. Back then, any connection with another human being would have been miraculous. I am not talking about sex. I am talking about a friendship. Brian was her friend.

          When couples complain of marital or relationship issues, after all the blaming, what they miss most is the friendship. Couples that create a deeper intimacy in the form of friendship and companionship will survive the difficult times. These couples are more willing to put up with crises because we don’t stay together because of the sex. We stay together because of the intimacy, understanding and companionship. We stay for the friendship. Without this, a couple is just two people.

          Kate has no friendship and/or intimacy with Chris. She has a fan. Their relationship is based on patterns and habits. They have been together since school and sort of just stuck together. There is familiarity and as we say in our Dysaffirmation book, ‘Toxic relationships are better than loneliness’. Being in a loveless relationship is better than being alone. That sounds so sad but let us be honest for a moment, lots of people believe that. Society pushes everyone to pair up like some weird combination of Logan’s Run meets Noah’s Ark. If you aren’t paired by a certain age, you go to Carousel (shout out to Farrah Fawcett’s starring role).

          Paul says: First of all, Lee’s porn time was more of a hobby than a career, just for the record. Secondly, I am being pulled way too far into this story because it actually is making me sad that Kate does not love Chris. I am already anticipating the crushing breakup, the attempt at reunification, and the ultimate and painful demise of the relationship. I can’t wait.

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