In the beginning…
We have a week into 2010 under our belts. Back to work, back to school, back to normal. If you are parents, we know you are happy to get the kids back in school today. Sure it’s bittersweet but the sweet makes up for any sadness. Right now, 2010 is a possibility and a hope filled with colorful expectations. Many find the need to attack the year with a handful of goals or resolve to change. We talked about that last week and now can focus on a more positve theme. Our readers know we spent 2009 talking about how we mess up relationships and we would like to launch this year with how to start over. Let’s begin the year on the right foot or left, to accomodate sinistrality.
Lee says: I am kind of happy the holidays are over. All that festivity and familial proximity is a tad bit unhealthy for me. Kind of like being stuck in a crate and breathing the same air, you tend to get dizzy and someone isn’t coming out alive. Just kidding! Really, I adore my family. Spending time with my children and immediate family these last few weeks was mostly fun with an intermittent need to hit the Glenlivet or contemplate being a hermit. The best part of being done with the gift wrapping and nogging is concentrating on the new and improved year. A new year lies before us and for a couple it is another opportunity to redefine their relationship.
I believe in beginning again. I believe in change. I believe a couple can overcome even the most horrendous obstacles if they are both committed to the challenge of creating a new relationship. That’s the thing that people don’t understand. We can’t start again. We can’t go back to the beginning. A couple who chooses to stay together must commit themselves to creating a brand new relationship. That means exactly what it sounds like. New boundaries. New ways of being. New!
You see the problem with a new beginning is that a human being has the capacity to forgive but barring a trauma to the head, can not forget. This means that the couple must go through the process of forgiveness and work out and release the feelings associated with the crisis event. Whether there was infidelity, abandonment, violence or even ignoring, the feelings of anger, sadness and all the other unpleasant emotions need to be released or they will creep up during any time of crisis. Reestablishing trust can be an easier process if the couple is willing to work out their issues. This requires therapy. This is not a DIY project. No book (including our relationship book that we are working on) can provide you the support you need during this difficult time.
So now that we know what the job will entail, here are the CoupleDumb Rules for new beginnings. Now the cool part is that these rules apply to relationships and life in general!
The first rule is simple:
Get rid of negative friends.
You know who I’m talking about: the friend who is unwilling to forgive even though you have forgiven your partner, the friend who speaks of the impending doom of your relaitonship. That friend likes to have you swim in misery. This is a human being who believes they mean well and are protecting you but are actually projecting their issues onto you and your situation. This is where the ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ speech comes in nicely.
The next rule is also very simple:
Don’t roll your eyes at me. Life is a little busy and complicated right now and sex is just going to confuse things. If you are a couple recreating a relationship, sex clouds the process. The feelings associated with the act masks the underlying emotions. So take a break. Just think how great it will be when you get back together and have sex again! O.K. fine, complain and take your medicine because we told you so. Sorry, two weeks with the kids make me ornery.
Paul says: Did Lee say ornery or horny. I’m sorry, I get distracted sometimes.
You can’t start over but you can start new. Think of it like starting a new job. You do not lose all your old skills. You just utilize them differently for a new job description.
And now I will go back to thinking about the relationship between ornery and horny.