Heroes Poop Too

But I masterbate to Wonder Woman.

          Monday brings out the best and worst in people. Monday separates the men from the boys and the winners from the losers. Monday is the litmus test for your mettle. It shows you what you are made of. If this is the case, CoupleDumb is 90 percent coffee and 10 percent grouchiness. HA! We kid. Now, we will say that we are doers. We don’t sit around and wait for people to do things for us or for the world to hand us what we want. We are the stuff that heroes are made of plus a whole lot of caffeine and bitchiness.

          Lee says: A few years back, Enrique Iglesias had a hit song called ‘Hero’. In this insipid ballad, Enrique says ‘I can be your hero baby, I can kiss away your pain’. Really Enrique? You see I have fibromyalgia and it usually takes drugs, wine and some sleep to take away the worst of it. I had no idea a kiss from you could make me feel better. Your like a singing Albert Schweitzer.

          We have written about rescuing before and what little Enrique is singing about is being someone’s rescuer, not hero. A rescuer pulls you out of a burning building but gives you the impression that you could have never gotten out without them. A hero is an idol, someone who inspires. A hero is someone who you take as an example and inspires you to buy the fire extinguisher and have an escape route long before a spark or smoke is smelled. A hero is hopeful where a rescuer sucks the oxygen out of the room.

          For me, I have few heroes. Most people place someone on a pedestal and demand perfection. Any chink in the armor is seen as a weakness and the hero starts to fall and is relegated to yet another disappointment from mankind. These people are not heroes and the expectation placed on them is absurd and cruel. What we create is not even human. We create a super-hero!

          Take Jesus for example. I know you’re thinking ‘Oh shit Lee, don’t break down Jesus! People are going to revolt!’ Revolting ? They’re disgusting! (Sorry, I had to.) Anyways, you have Jesus who Christians believe to be the Son of God made flesh and died for our sins. I like that. Simple. Not too flashy. Then we add on top of that that he did miracles while He was here. Then you add that He was resurrected from the dead. In most cases, since you are talking about the son of God Himself, you let those slide. Then we are expected to believe that He never doubted, sinned or knew (biblically) a woman. Why? Because we need Him to be perfect. Everything we aren’t. Wouldn’t everything prior to the doubt have been amazing enough? 

          The Herofication of Jesus elevates Him from Savior to unattainable ideal. His perfection is further solidified by the belief that we can’t be like Him but we can try. Why? Simply put, He is God. If you know that you can’t be like Him then … do you see what I’m saying? All of this makes your Hero out of reach therefore not even a realistic possibility of being a role model. When someone knows he can’t make it, when something is impossible, he gives up. They have the secret weapon built into the hero as an excuse; they’re too perfect. I’m just a man. I’m just a woman. 

          This isn’t about Jesus (and then again it is). This is about being realistic. This is about knowing your hero is flesh and blood. Everybody has a bad day. Heroes have bad days. Please remember that the Bible stops chronicling Jesus’ life from 12 to 30. Why? Those are the tough years. The finding yourself years. The years we are more likely to fuck up. I know I will be stoned for these beliefs but its time we stop placing our heroes on pedestals so high that the slightest disagreement they fall out of favor. Jesus, at least for me, is not a house of cards built on flimsy premises that have little validity in our sphere of reality. I know this just like I know that Martha Stewart eats Twinkies and occasionally defecates.

          Paul says: I need to clarify that when Martha poops, it comes out in elegant, environmentally safe decorative tulle, perfect for any party. All the Jesus stuff is dead on accurate.

One comment

  • AMEN about the idol business. I have always said that it’s entirely unfair to place someone on that tippy-toppest of pedestals and expect them to keep their balance through the ups&downs of life. The pressure! I wouldn’t do that to my dog, let alone another human being.

    But divine heroes…I get that.

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