Get thee to a nunnery.
Buoyed by the good news that home sales went up 5% in the month of February, we embark on the scariest subject we have written about. We touched on it 2 months ago but were so heavily traumatized by that experience we have avoided the subject all together. Of course we are talking about TEENAGE GIRLS. Before they became women, they were all teenagers.
Lee says: Had I realized what a pain in the ass I was as a teenager, I would have been much nicer to my parents. I wasn’t a hellion and by no means was I wild and crazy by normal standards, but for two conservative Cuban Americans whose eldest daughter allowed herself to be chaperoned up until the day she was married, I was out of control. I will note here that I never was in trouble with the law, graduated with honors from high school and completed a Bachelors and Masters in 4 1/2 years. You would have thought that I had a litter of crack addicted babies by the way my mother still talks about that time in my life.
Teenage girls are an interesting breed of human. There are lucid moments of maturity and then angst-ridden weeks that make you yearn for the days that boarding schools were real options. In many cases, girls really begin to show signs of their dramatic flair at an early age. If you see signs that your little girl will rival Lady Macbeth, the teen years are going to be particularly painful for you. In our case, our little girl showed signs of PMS at the tender age of 2 and it has only gotten worse.
I will admit, I can bitch with the best of them when my monthly visitor is approaching but at her age, I was never that bad. I have an excuse now as a perimenopausal woman whereas she is just starting her journey of a million cramps. The added spice of hormonal fluctuation is just the pinch of lunacy a girl needs to amp up her already incredible performances. Our daughter is less an Elizabeth Taylor in ‘Who’s afraid of Virginia Wolfe’ or Kathy Bates in ‘Misery’, but more like Winona Ryder in ‘Beetlejuice’. She truly believes rapid cycling from manic to sullen makes her interesting and mature.
We say girls mature faster than boys when we really mean that girls develop opinions earlier than boys. Ask any parent who has girls and those little divas knew what they wanted at a very early age; whereas our boys, God bless them, not so much. But what we believe to be opinion is the posturing of someone being oppositional for the pure joy of being argumentative.
Perhaps there is a sociobiological reason for all of this. Perhaps the reason God created females to be little dramatic, opinionated, angst ridden pains was so they can choose appropriate mates. Perhaps the need to go to Hot Topic every time we are in a mall is just a primitive desire to attract potential suitors. Perhaps the need to text until your fingers blister is akin to smoke signals and pheromones. Perhaps what we consider as adults to be idiotic, annoying behavior is really an evolutionary step to enlightenment and spiritual rebirth. Or maybe God is just really funny and always enjoys a good show?
Paul says: Or perhaps God really is the Father in heaven, hazing all of the lesser fathers here on earth. I can hear God’s chuckle every time my daughter walks out of Hot Topic with a thirty dollar t-shirt bearing some heavily make-uped guy who she swears will, one day, be my son-in-law.