Energy Vampires: Like TrueBlood but not so sexy

THE Relationship Blog

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We don’t live in Bon Temp. We don’t even live in Forks. Hell, we never been to Transylvania but we are still inundated with Vampires! Not the blood sucking kind but the ones who are only happy if you are drained of happiness and hope. You know who we’re talking about, right? Energy Vampires! Those people who leech onto you and suck you dry. When they leave you feel like you need a vitamin B shot and maybe some iron. These people are all over the place and it is our job to teach you how to identify and dispose of these parasites.

How to spot them?

Energy Vampires, unlike the other kind, can come out in the daylight. In fact, these people go wherever there are a group of people enjoying themselves or someone who is really happy. You see, these people are attracted to light. Some people radiate brighter than others and like moths, those vampires just swarm around them trying to steal that light. Energy Vampires look like anybody else and there are no distinctive physical attributes to tell them apart from normal people, like fangs or pale skin.

However, Energy Vampires have a very distinctive speech pattern. These people tend to bring the conversation back to themselves or turn the happiest of discourses to something resembling a dirge. That’s right, they are their own little black raincloud except instead of raining water they rain shit! It isn’t enough to ruin a mood; energy vampires are only content when everyone is miserable. If we all agreed that life sucks and then you die, alone, tortured and painfully, then energy vampires would feel that their job is done.

Energy Vampires are victims cloaked in this veil of ‘I’m trying so hard but the man keeps bringing me down’. You may, at first, completely miss the victim part. They work hard and keep up with normal people. After a while you find that when they leave your company, you feel tired. What you missed was the fact that while you were hanging out with the cloaked demon, they were launching a subversive attack on your soul. What can be laughed off as cynicism, sarcasm or even joking around is really passive aggressive attacks that will weaken even the strongest of us.

How to stake them?

Let’s be clear, CoupleDumb in no way condones the murder of anyone. Consider this staking metaphorical with an imaginary pointy stick. And, so that there is no misunderstandings, we also do not approve of decapitation and stuffing the mouth with garlic. That’s just nasty, except for the garlic part.

Energy Vampires live in a world of crap of their own making. These people do not want to be exposed and to point out their negative behavior is tantamount to public flogging. They cannot allow any part of their persona (mask) to crack because then they would have to look at everything they do. This is unacceptable. Energy Vampires would rather be alone than exposed and healthy.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to simply extricate yourself from their presence. You do not need to get a crucifix or Holy Water but you may need to set some very rigid boundaries with these people like, ‘I can’t be around you. Every time I am with you, I feel sad and depressed. I choose to be happy and that means being away from you.’ But, as we have mentioned before in our post on Cut-off, you must always believe in the possibility that someday these Vampires will overcome their need for darkness and come to the light. We strongly suggest you keep some silver around in case it was a reflection instead of a genuine light of joy.

We hope this helps. We know that the world is a little crazy now and people are seeing gloom and doom around every corner. Keep your head above water and focus on the good and light, avoid negativity and gravitate towards happiness and eat something bad for you once in a while. Preferably something really garlicky to keep away those pesky vamps.


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