Ebb and Flow
Young love. First love. Do you remember the first time you felt the flutter of love? Do you remember the one who took your breath away? People have written us saying that it sounds that we don’t believe in love. What we don’t believe in is the enamored clinginess that passes for love these days. What we don’t believe in is the packaged, fast food love that people swoon over and we all lap it up like the ideal. What we don’t believe in is being in love one day and not the other.
Lee says: I remember the moment I knew I was in love with Paul. I might have mentioned that he was unavailable at the time so the guilt was thick. Did I throw myself on my bed and cry? No. I thought about it. I analyzed it. I rationalized it. My conclusion was that I was infatuated with the first man that stimulated my brain and could keep up with me. So I did nothing. Actually, I tried to avoid him. But Paul was a little more persistent and would show up at my house. I would say he shouldn’t visit me like that; all this happening without one kiss or even the talk of love. I have categorized this time as innocent but it was more than that. We were building a foundation.
Many couples start their relationships with the belief that the fire will stay hot. The commitmentphobes first complaint is the loss of passion in long term relationships. They aren’t wrong. Most couples lose the fire and substitute the fiery, sexy passion with fighting to get the adrenaline going. The fire goes away if you don’t fan it. You need to stoke it and nourish it with fuel. Many people believe that the lack of desire is a loss of love. When did love hitch its wagon to sex?
You do realize you can have one without the other, right? I know it’s nice when the two are present at the same time but you don’t always have that. The love remains and sex will wax and wane. That’s hard for a young couple to understand. In the middle of their orgasm overdose fog, they don’t want to here that they should probably invest a little of that sexy time into deepening their friendship and connection. I know that’s hard to do. I remember a whole weekend of sexy time in a hotel in San Diego where we didn’t even eat or sleep let alone talk for any length of time. Ah, the good old days.
But that was more than 21 years ago for us. Can we do a whole weekend of sexy time without eating, sleeping or talking now? Probably not. We are better organized and Paul would insist on a cooler filled with goodies and room service. Even if we travel without the kids, we don’t spend the whole time naked. Don’t get me wrong, we spend the whole time in various stages of sexual release but not naked. We flirt, we touch and grope when we aren’t in bed but the more athletic part of sexy time is not as prolific as before. We spend out time talking, being in silence together and reveling in our relationship. We genuinely like each other and spending time with our favorite person is just fine with clothes on.
Paul says: In one of our previous posts, I wrote that we do not fall out of love. We got some feedback for this statement but I still stand behind it. Simply stated, passion without foundation is lust. When the lust ebbs, new passions take its place. Anger, jelousy, and hatred are just as enflaming as the thirst for sexual passion. But take passion and encase it in a safe and strong foundation and there you have a love that will last forever. This analogy may only work because of my physics background but I’ll give it a try anyway. Those first few years of courtship and marriage had the unbridled passion of a forest fire; beautiful and destructive. But we took that energy and build the mechanism of communication and understanding around it. Now, instead of chaotic flames, we have a nuclear reactor of love that burns as hot as the sun.
If you didn’t get the analogy then try this; stop fucking so much and talk.