CoupleDumb does the “Red Carpet” for the Oscars

 Welcome to CoupleDumb’s live blogging of the 82nd annual Oscars. We are joined by Marylin from and Nicole from Primerica Financial. Pour your self some booze and let’s get ready to get snarky.
6:04 – How sad. Sam Worthington couldn’t get a date.

6:05 – Zac Efron has a woody for Sam. 

6:05 – Zac Efron got a deal with a movie studio. All he has to do is grow a set and maybe his voice will change.

6:07 – Marylin likes Anna Kendrik in Up In The Air.

6:10 – Ryan is trying to pretend like he doesn’t know fashion. And now the debate begins, here at CoupleDumb : Is Ryan gay or is he a player.

6:11 – There ain’t no competition. Mon’que just ate Anna Kendrik.

6:17 – Give Mariah some more to drink then get her ass on stage. Nothing funner.

6:21 – Mickey Rooney is not dead!

6:32 – Paul is enjoying the commercials more than the show because he loves the ELO song on the drink commercial.

 6:34 – OK, Ryan Reynolds came on the TV and all of the CoupleDumb women swoon at his hotness.

6:36 – Nicole wants to know why Ryan Reyolds is at the Oscars. Marylin and Lee are looking at her like she is crazy. ‘Do we care?’

6:39 – And now the ‘Is James Cameron an asshole’ debate. OK, not so much a debate as a discussion of levels of assholeness. 

6:44 – Tom Ford is wearing Tom Ford.

6:45 – Marylin thinks that Ryan Seacrest wants to be wearing Tom Ford (the man, not the suit). And the debate continues.

6:56 – Maggie Gyllenhaal’s dress is kinda pretty but the color is all wrong. (So says Lee) Actually, she said that the color no pinta meaning ‘it does not paint’. Yes, that Spanish language is of the Devil.

6:58 – Diane Kruger is foreign so we will excuse the ugly dress.

7:00 – We love Sandra Bullock. She actually accepted her Razzie. What class. She looks as pretty as the award she will be taking home tonight.

7:02 – Tim McGraw got hair plugs!

7:07 – Jake Gyllenhaal. ‘Nuff said.

7:09 – Apparently, Lee is leaving Paul for Jake Gyllenhaal. 

7:11- Getting Jake to get behind Lee now. What did you think Paul was doing back there?  

7:13 – Miley Cyrus looks like a 40 year old ex-hooker. Well, maybe not Ex.

7:14 – Kathryn Bigalow is 9 feet tall but CoupleDumb gives the award to her.

7:19 – Charlize Theron has booby swirls. 

7:21 – Jai Manual looks like a gay Mr. Freeze.

7:23- Paul just beat up a baby to make himself feel better after the Jake thing. Paul says-‘I hope you’re happy!’

7:26- Matt Damon played a guy who’s 6’4″ in ‘Invictus’. Now that’s acting! 

7:29- Adam Shankman is getting ‘grilled’ about the time limits on acceptance speeches.

7:31- Clooney voted for Bridges. He also disagrees with Seacrest about being a lonely guy. He says Seacrest is the lonely guy surrounded by guys in tuxes. Seacrest admits that he will be hugging them later. Gay?

7:33- J-Lo dress by Charmin.

7:38- Keanu still can’t grow a full beard. I think they are working on the sequel to Bill and Ted.

7:40- Robert Downey Jr. may get tested before he walks in.

7:44- We are on our way home. Thanks to Mari and Nicole for the snark. See you in 15 minutes.

8:18- OK, we lied. You try sticking three kids in the car and stay on time. First no shoes. Then missing one of them in the car. Then finding the kid and the shoes but by then we were 15 minutes behind schedule.

8:22 – Eight minutes to the Oscars.

8:23 – Who is this stupid skank that is saying that Miley Cyrus has ‘mastered comedy’. Lucille Ball is rolling over in her grave. 

8:26- Meryl is beautiful.

8:26- Sheri Sheppard was the best. Kathy Ireland was as stiff as a ______ (fill in the blank).

8:32 – Neil Patrick Harris! We love him.

8:44 – OK, Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin was all funny.

8:48 – Best Supporting Actor: Waltz! We called it. Yeah, sure he won every other award so call this one was like saying that water is wet.

8:50 – Ryan Reynolds is introducing some movie. Lee does not care. She doesn’t even know what movie he is talking about.

8:52 – They should have table service at the Academy Awards. There would be a whole lot more hooting and hollering if they did.

9:00 – Best Animated Film: We want UP. And the winner is… UP.

9:04 – Best Original Song: We didn’t give a shit but we will tell you the winner is Crazy Heart.

9:05 – A big white guy with girl hips should not be named T-Bone. Just sayin’.

9:06 – Kris Pines introducing a movie. They need to roll out the homely guys so that Lee can discuss the movies. (Stop drooling, Lee.)

9:15 – Best Original Screenplay: Hurt Locker

9:23 – John Hughes shaped our adolescents. Lee watched all of his movies and can quote them. Paul actively denies seeing any of them but seems to know all of the plots. Lee says that Hughes’ one mistake was that she should have gone with Ducky.

9:31 – Best Animated Short: Logorama. Ok, we’ve never heard of any of these but we will need to go see them. Those long ones that they give awards to at the end of the show are not so interesting. 

9:34 – Best Documentary Short: Music By Prudence. We will not be seeing any of these.

9:37 – Live Action Short: The New Tenants 

9:40 – Best Makeup: Star Trek! Paul just came.

9:41 – Lee goes to get tissue.

9:45 – And now back to the real awards.

9:46 – Lee is secretly practicing the art of psychically ripping off Paul’s pants.

9:48 – Jake Gyllenhaal comes on screen and Lee is no longer psychically removing Paul pants. Jakes seem to be moving though.

9:50 – Best Adapted Screenplay: Precious.

9:55 – If Roger Corman can win an Oscar, we are getting the FlipCam out and filming the kids with thier Jedi masks.

10:00 – Best Supporting Actress: Mo’nique. We called it.

10:06 – Art Direction: Avatar. So they finally won something. 

10:10 – Best Costume Design: The Young Victoria. And we thought we were getting back to the real awards. Apparently the winner is wearing a costume.

10:13 – Taylor Lautner and Kristan Stewart are up next. Lee say, ‘Fuck that and bring on Robert Pattenson’.

10:26 – Sound Editing: Hurt Locker. Suck it, Avatar.

10:27 – Best Sound Mixing: Hurt Locker. Two sucks for Avatar.

10:36 – Cinematography: Avatar. Is it bad that, at this point, we are rooting against Avatar?

10:38 – Yea, we love the dead people part. Everyone say it together, ‘Is he/she dead?’

10:52 – League of Extraordinary Dancers – Wow!

10:53 – Best Original Score: UP. Beautiful music and Avatar is thrice sucked.

10:54 – Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper are on stage and Lee wants to be the meat in thier sandwich.

10:55 – Visual Effects: Avatar. Big fucking surprise. It’s all visual effects. 

11:03 – Best Documentary Feature: The Cove.  

11:08 – Film Editing: Hurt Locker. Excellent. And a quadruple suck to Avatar but who’s counting?  Us and James Cameron.

11:16 – Best Foreign Language Film: The Secret in Thier Eyes (El Secreto en Sus Ojos). We got nothing clever to say.

11:32 – Best Actor: Jeff Bridges. But more importantly, we have a great prediction rate this year.

11:36 – Jeff is still talking. Shankman, cue the music.

11:48 – Best Actress: Sandra Bullock. Go Sandra, go Sandra. Go us. We called it. You’re welcome. 

11:57 – Best Director: Kathyrn Bigelow. First woman! And she is Cameron’s ex. Big, big Avatar suck there.  

12:01 – OK, it is after midnight in our neck of the world and we are down to the Big Award. Best Movie is Hurt Locker. A full Avatar suckation! 

We did well tonight. Last year we got, maybe, one right. This year we did a good job. Next year we want to be in Hollywood at the awards where we can make fun of people to thier faces.

Thank you for joining us and we will see you tomorrow.

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