Celebrity Smackdown: Wussy Musicians

Tell me they don't have a handful of giz.

          Wednesday is a welcomed day in our home. Hump Day! Half way through the week! Excellent TV day! Anyways, our other favorite reason for loving Wednesday is Celebrity Smackdown. This week we have been discussing music and how it affects relationships so we scanned our brains for the biggest culprits of victimy, dysfunctional music out there. Sure we could bring up misogynistic rap music telling us to smack a bitch or overindulge in mind altering substances while going to da club, but that would be too easy. So who deserves the spank this week?

          Lee says: I like depressing music. I was in high school and college during the 80s and that had to be some of the whiniest music of all time. Anybody? Sinead O’conner? That bitch makes Kanye West look like a little girl. ‘George Bush doesn’t like black people’. Yeah, that bitch ripped up a picture of the Pope on Saturday Night Live and talked about how the Pope condones rape. That bitch has balls. But I digress. Whiny is fine but victim anthems are not acceptable.

          I’ll start with John Mayer since Paul hates him and he has proven to be a big douchebag aside from his music. Problem is, I like some of his music. I like how it sounds but he says such stupid shit in it that it makes me hate it; case in point ‘Waiting on the world to change’. Now as fans of ‘So you think you can dance’, we all remember a few years back when all the dancers danced this one song over and over again. It was painful. Let’s not do that again. The song is about how he and all his friends are misunderstood. They aren’t apathetic and useless, they just know that they’ll fail if they try. Read the lyrics! It’s the perfect excuse and justification for not getting involved. John you useless piece of shit, keep waiting for the change and see what you get. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing!

          Then you do the song ‘Say’ and show what an idiot you are. You just said in the ‘Change’ song you couldn’t do shit but now you advocate ‘Say’ what you need to say. You know John, that could work with your first song dilemma but it is so much easier to say that it isn’t a fair fight and do nothing. The voice of a generation is a ball-less wonder. Sure he plays a good guitar and makes faces that you only see during a grand mal seizure but he needs to learn a little thing I call personal responsibility.

          Another one of these musicians who leaves me looking for the radio dial is James Blunt. I mentioned on Monday that the song ‘You’re Beautiful’ was not romantic but a stalker song. The only thing missing in the song is how he smelled her hair on the bus and knew that she wanted him. The missing lyrics mentions standing outside of her home and taking pictures of her that he uses as wanking inspiration later. The last lyrics mentions how hot she looked in court as the judge ordered him to stay over 500 feet away from her. I will not mention the singing. The British gave us Cat Stevens too. Just don’t piss them off.

          And this last one really upsets me since I really love Green Day, however their latest songs sound like a million other songs out there. I literally looked it up to see who had done it before. I wanted them to come up with some music like ‘Dookie’ or ‘American Idiot’. At first I thought it was the theme from ‘Mahogany’ but then it breaks into another song that I can’t recall (if you know what I’m talking about email me and get a free Dysaffirmation mug).

          Music is in everything from the TV we watch, the movies we see and the ring tones on our phones. It plays in the background of our grocery stores, malls and elevators. It seeps into our psyches and wrestles with our medulla oblongata while we sleep. It tells you it’s normal to be victimy and whiny. Wake up and say no to wussy music. We need powerful songs that inspire and make us move on. No justification. No bullshit.      

              Paul sings: John Mayer is a douchebag, doo-da, doo-da. All the doo-da day.

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