Celebrity Smackdown: Westboro Baptist Church

Primitive Baptists. Very, very, very primitive.

          As we breathe the universe into our beings we breathe out any resentment or judgment. This is judgment week at CoupleDumb and the horns are blaring with the coming of the four horsemen: carbs, alcohol, fat and cheese. As we discuss the horrors of judging to your immortal soul we run up against a weekly tradition that requires a smidge of judgment. CELEBRITY SMACKDOWN! How doth we smack without judging? Easy, we smacketh those who judgeth unfairly. We will smack those who smack others. Kind of like an eye for an eye except we get to keep both of ours.

          Lee says: As a true American, I tolerate others beliefs. I am not embracing or supporting them, I tolerate them. However, when a belief system is based on nothing but hate, fear and judgment, then I can safely unwrap myself from Old Glory and hate right back. I’m good but I’m not a saint. So when I see assholes like the Westboro Baptist Church talking and protesting, I see red.

          Westboro Baptist Church is located in Topeka, Kansas and was founded by Fred Phelps, who looks like the dude from the ‘Phantasm’ movies. They consider themselves primitive Baptists. I can see that (think Neanderthal knuckle dragging assholes). Fred Phelps believes that we are a ‘Fag Loving Nation’ and, because of this, we are doomed. This is why 9/11 happened. This is why our economy has crashed. This is why my whites don’t come out as white as I like, my kids won’t go to bed at bedtime and my soufflés won’t rise. Fred is preoccupied with the perversion of the gay people and he believes that it is his mission to educate all of us.

          These ‘fine Christians’ are the same people who protested Matthew Shepard’s funeral and also picket the funerals of fallen soldiers since they are fighting for a country that has turned it’s back on God. To this church, ‘Jews are fags’, ‘Hindus are fags’, ‘Catholics are fags’, ‘the only true Nazis are fags’…I think I’m seeing a theme here. This Phelps dude is fascinated with gay people. He is so fascinated, he can only see gay people. He has a sixth sense but instead of seeing dead people, he sees rippled abs under nice clothes. This started in the 80s when he swore he was seeing homosexuals accosting his children and grandchildren and dragging them into shrubbery to do all sorts of nasty things to them. No, none of the kids recall this but by God it is true!

          I’m not one to judge but when you are such a judgmental person as Fred Phelps I feel what’s good for the closeted goose is just fine by me. This asshole is a disbarred lawyer who thinks he is some sort of messiah. Unfortunately, he picked the wrong signs. You see Phelps, God does not hate homosexuals or Jews. God doesn’t hate this nation or even this country. God does not hate anyone but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like you. You see he loves you because even the lowliest of His creatures are still His but he doesn’t like you. That also includes your children who should have been tested for lead or mercury poisoning because that kind of crazy stupid can’t be natural.

          Phelps, you say the Bible supports your position and you and your kin are quick to condemn people if they disagree with you. However, judge not lest ye be judged is not a quote from a Prince song. I am almost positive it came from the Bible. In fact, if I rifle through my cerebral rolodex I think it came from Matthew. Wow, same name as that young man’s funeral you protested. I guess you never bothered to read that one because ‘Matthew is a fag’ right? Phelps, I think we all know what’s going on here. I think the smoke screen is thick enough but you are a cliché. I know why you protest all those funerals. Maybe you can find a nice guy, settle down and leave the rest of us heathens alone.    

          Paul says: I was going to do a link to these assholes to stir up some hit-generating commotion but, after looking at the site, was too repulsed. (Sorry for the judgment.) I thought that I was a blog whore but even I have my standards.

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