Celebrity Smackdown : Ungrateful Paps
Pardon us as we remove our faux fur coats and 6 inch Manolo Blahniks to get comfy in our primary colored cardigan and laceless sneakers. It’s Wednesday and time for another Celebrity Smackdown! But this week we’re talking about being grateful and everyone knows that the glitterati is so thankful for all that they have (please read with all the intended snark). But smacking the celebs for not signing an autograph or avoiding the mobs is really not fair. It’s too easy. Besides, don’t we get enough of them already? Come on, we have pictures of them on their balconies in different states of nudity or sexual positions. We have pictures of them going to clubs, inside the clubs drinking and dancing and leaving the clubs intoxicated or hooking up with their next regret. The real ungrateful bastards in this equation are the paparazzi who rape the celebs with their lenses and then sell the spoils for profits we cannot even begin to fathom.
Lee says: Did you know a really good photo can make a paparazzo hundreds of thousands of dollars? Did you know that even a crappy photo can get them enough to pay their rent for a month? These individuals hang out, peep, creep, run and leap, just waiting for the shot.
You are probably saying to yourself, ‘Hey, I’d like to make thousands of dollars for taking a picture of an actress who forgets she’s wearing a short skirt and gets out of a car while flashing her vadge. What are the qualifications for being a paparazzi?:
1. Ability to hold a camera, aim and shoot.
2. Patience- sometimes it takes a celeb hours to eat a Cobb Salad at the Ivy.
3. Have an abnormally large bladder or have yogi control of your bodily functions.
4. Be impervious to conscience pangs.
5. Have an almost sociopathic sense of empathy.
6. Taste that runs to the perverse and scurrilous.
If you fit each of these qualifications, you can be a paparazzi. One last thing though. Can you, with a straight face, taunt a celebrity until they take a swing at you? Celebrities like Brad Garret, Mel Gibson, Justin Timberlake, Tommy Lee, Alec Baldwin, Chris Martin, Robert DeNiro, Will Smith, Woody Harrelson, Jude Law and the list goes on an on are celebs who have lost it on a paparazzo. Hell, there is a whole gaggle of one legged photographers thanks to Britney Spears. It’s simple. Ask them the most insipid and annoying question. Ask De Niro if it’s true that he likes fucking Joe Pesci while he wears that pompadour wig from ‘My Cousin Vinny’? Or ask Justin Timberlake if Jessica Biel has bigger testicles than he does. Make it your own and have fun with it.
Then you have those that do not feel that the normal pics are enough and try some offensive driving. Nicole Richie just scored a restraining order against a group of paps who decided to rear end her car because they missed their original shot. They figured they could make up for a lost shot by manufacturing a better one. Let us not forget Lady Diana.
The sad thing to all of this is that even though they make their living like the remora of the celeb world, waiting for any tidbit to be missed for their amusement and nourishment, they never show an ounce of gratitude for the subject of their ‘art’. These are the biggest ingrates the world knows and what do we do? We buy the friggen mags that support these bastards. There’s a picture of Lindsay Lohan snorting coke off of a hookers ass. There’s another picture of a celeb sun bathing on their private lanais taken from a helicopter with a telescopic lens used on the Hubble.
Maybe Mr. Paparazzo if you showed a bit of gratitude to your subjects. Maybe if you treated them like human beings. Maybe if you said, ’Thank you for giving me a job. I am a talentless hack and yet I can still make hundreds of thousands a year because of people like you,’ they can take a second and give you a good shot without having to resort to crashing heir cars or calling their Moms whores. Be grateful. Say thank you then take the picture.