Celebrity Smackdown: Starting Over ft. Brad Pitt

Nobody talks smack about Brad. (Except CoupleDumb)

Celebrities and relationships are a curious match. On the one hand, you have the perpetual playboys who would rather gnaw off their arm than commit to a relationship. On the other hand, you have those who have time-shares in Vegas Chapels and commit like its last call. Celebrity relationships are such a warped representation of coupling and when those pairs implode, which they overwhelmingly do, we are left to watch them prowl as they pick up the pieces and start over. Today’s Celebrity Smackdown is all about Celebs starting over but, stand back, this will get messy.

Lee says: I understand that relationships can be difficult and nearly impossible when you are living under the scrutiny of the limelight. I understand it on a cognitive level. I can also empathize with the pressure celebrities must feel having their privacy violated on a consistent basis by fans or paparazzi or law enforcement. But, let me get one thing perfectly clear, just because you live under the microscope of the media does not mean you have to behave like an infection. I mean, jeesh, is it that lonely out there that celebs have to be hooking up and breaking up every few minutes?

Celebs fall into two categories when it comes to starting over. The first category is the ‘If at first you don’t succeed’ crowd. You can identify these easily by the amount of wedding rings they own and how many last names they have. These are the folks who get married at the first sign of stomach flutter. Instead of ‘I like you’ they jump into ‘I do!’ Starting over for them is picking out new china patterns while registering again at Macy’s. The average celeb usually is married a few times before death. Of course, honorable mention is given to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Elizabeth Taylor, both knock outs when they were younger, who have 17 marriages with 15 men between them. They are not alone in the philosophy of mending a broken heart with wedding cake and a honeymoon.

The second category of celeb is the ‘breaks are for suckers’ group. You know the kind of celeb who is photographed walking on a beach one day with their spouse and the next he is seen in a photo spread playing house with another woman. These guys have issues Brad Pitt. These guys don’t even let the sheets get cold next to them. These men have such an issue with being alone that they will fill their lives and surround themselves with people or children. Sound familiar? Look, I have no issues with love and I know it is a magical thing. But, it just doesn’t happen if you aren’t open to it! You can’t inadvertently ‘fall in love’ with someone if you aren’t inviting that person over for some vulnerability and intimacy. So don’t pull that crap of ‘The heart wants what it wants’ with me, Brad! The heart understands commitment but a roving eye understands the new conquest.

Have you wondered why you feel that starting over is so difficult? It’s the media! Think about it. What are the images you have of starting over? Is it Carol and Mike Brady uniting their perfectly matched families and creating a whacky bunch of love and togetherness? Or is it Dick Van Patton and his mormonesque brood of eight getting remarried. Let’s face it, according to TV, starting over involves way too many kids! I would consider a life of a celibate ascetic who is forced to rip out my own hair before I had to unite my three kids with some guys three kids and then try to be a romantic couple while these said children ran around boundary-less in the neighborhood. Come on Brady’s, you never noticed that the kids were making fringed outfits for a talent show? I just can’t be that mom or wife.

All I ask is for a little discretion. All I ask is for celebrities to see that they are seen as role models (I have no idea why, people, they just are). The 40 something year old person is coming back into the dating world and you guys are making it look like a buffet. It’s not. It’s slim pickings out their if you are looking for a healthy guy or girl. It’s not like the celebrities are doing anything like therapy between marriages or hook-ups, unless we count rehab. A makeover is not what is needed between relationships. Changing your hair color will not fix your unhealthy behaviors or thought patterns that stem from your childhood issues.

Life does not work with a story arc all the time. You don’t meet Mr. Perfect in the first act, fall in love in the second, lose him in the third and find Mr. More Perfect in the final act. There is so much more to it. Where is the act where you get your shit together or spend some time alone, Brad? When do you check your very Brady life and decide that being cool and having hideous facial hair is not enough and a little psychotherapy is in order. If not for your fear of being alone, how about you see a therapist to discuss the ode to ZZ Top thing you have on your chin. I’m not picking on you; I just think more Joe Black and less Tyler Durden. Yes, Tyler was sexy and ripped but Joe had that innocence and was committed. Either way, no facial hair! I guess this is the message of this post, Brad. Trim it or Shave it. Oh yeah, and something about starting over.

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