Celebrity Smackdown: Pretension

I'm better than you. See the little smile that proves it.

           It’s Wednesday and we are jonesing. For what? For a smackdown baby! Last week we were in the middle of our look at ‘Chris and Kate’ so we were denied our smackdown.  Plus, with all these celebrities dropping like flies, we felt it better to save our vitriolic rants for a week to let the scourge pass in case people started blaming us for the death epidemic. This week we are talking about lightening up and there are sooooooo many Hollywood people who seem to think that their acting can cure cancer or can figure out cold fusion, so our pickings are ripe. But who to smack? Do we really need to choose one?

          Who to focus on? There are so many actors whose very nature pisses us off that dedicating a whole post to them would almost be condoning their pseudo-genius. However, none have gotten as much press as of late than Christian ‘La de da’ Bale. His bitch fit while filming ‘Terminator’ was the rant heard around the world and for what? Some production guy walked near the set where he was filming. Yo Christian, lighten up dude! I suppose Mr. Bale signed up for filming in a vacuum.

          The most disturbing thing about Christian Bale is that he really isn’t that good. I mean, sure, he does intense pretty well and can be dark and moody. However, he has no range. He can’t do happy. He looks all twisted and pained when he acts happy. You know, a little Prozac can fix you right up, Christian. It’s called acting for a reason. It’s pretend. However, if the actor believes that his job must be pained or must always be at the intensity of Virginia Wolff on a binge than I fear, Christian, that an aneurysm is in your future. Smile. Take a vacation. Go to therapy or at least visit a proctologist to have that bug up your ass removed.

          Another one of these actor types that is annoying as hell because of their process and the very importance they give themselves is none other than Gwyneth Paltrow. Someone drop me a line and tell me what this bitch has done that would merit this much condescension and/or why I should listen to anything that she says. I saw ‘Shakespeare in Love’ and I am still wondering why the hell she won an Oscar. And people bitch about Marisa Tomei. I liked Marisa’s performance! Anyway, Gwyneth’s intensity is insidious because she masks it with a fake smile and the belief that us poor humans can’t understand her holiness. Whether it’s about microbiotic diets or her GOOP, this bitch talks as if people give two shits about what she says.

            Now I know that I am one to talk. I know that it takes a certain amount of arrogance to put your writing on the internet and think that people may read it. The difference between me and Gwyneth is that I am surprised and humbled by having people read my stuff whereas she expects it and also believes you won’t quite understand it. Her topics are not unlike ours, where she has things on addiction and parenting, but honestly, where the fuck does she get off? Seriously, what makes her an expert on any of this? Like doing a food show with Mario Batali and she doesn’t even eat?! Send me! I eat! And when is she going to talk about relationships? I mean, she is so happy with her uber intense musician hubby Chris Martin. Why not share those nuggets of wisdom Gwynny?

          Gwyneth, you are a 36 year old actress, not a guru. You will forever be known as the chick who sang a duet with Huey Lewis’ only film appearance. I think her GOOP is an attempt to mingle with the commoners and share her favorite vegan recipe while wearing her yoga pants washed with Kabbalah water. Either way, showing your spiritual side does not take away from the ‘I know something you don’t know’ look that you maintain and behind that fake smile is terror. I’ve seen ‘Duets’ and you have the right to be scared.


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