Celebrity Smackdown: Most of the US

Uncle Sam's a perv because I know what I do during private time.

          Remember the days of yore when we would smack down a celebrity at least once a week? Remember when we were allowed to rant and literarily assault pseudo famous people if they fell within the parameters of our chosen weekly theme? We do. But we’re different now. We are a kinder gentler CoupleDumb. It also doesn’t help the situation that the same celebrity douches keep doing the same things thus making the smacking quite redundant. This week though, we are trying something new. Today we are returning to smacking with one exception.

          Lee says: This week we are discussing the topic of ‘privacy’ and no one group is more deserving of a smack than the very population of this great United States of America. Yeah, that’s right! Imma be smacking the U.S.! You ask, ‘But Lee, do we all deserve to be roasted without the underlying respect?’ My answer is a simple yes.

          Since I was a child, I have heard our citizen’s harp about the privacy of each individual American and how we are special and how we are the best country in the world and how we are endowed with certain inalienable rights and how we are all super heroes and how we all have super powers… Well, you know what I’ve realized U.S.? We are all the same. We are all unique like everybody else and no we are not more special or deserve something that no one else gets and no we are not super-heroes with super-powers. We are just residents of this big mud-ball hurling through the universe like everybody else on the mud-ball.

          This being said, how do we deal with privacy in this country? Like everything else in this wonderful land, we treat privacy with the same schizo-dissociative- bi-polar personalities that we treat every other security issue. In other words, don’t mess with mine but violate everybody else’s. After 9/11, we were all stunned into submission and were willing to do whatever it would take to regain some semblance of normalcy and safety in this country. We were violated to our core when some bad people took advantage of our lackadaisical airport security, even though, throughout the world, the issue of terrorism was always ever-present. We were raped when these same bad men took over our skies and started raining airplanes on landmarks, even though in other countries they had been living with their countries air force pulling domestic duty for decades. After the new day that will live in infamy, we were willing to join the world and work together. We were humbled.

          With our newfound humility, we also suffered from post-traumatic stress. We were twitchy and reactive which is perfectly normal. We wanted to fight back. We wanted to protect ourselves and didn’t care about the cost. We all wanted to carry mace and brass knuckles. We all wanted to take self-defense classes and let pilots carry weaponry (yeah, just like cowboys of the tailwinds). How about we teach the flight attendance krav maga and how to use ice tongs to take out a terrorist? We also agreed as a country that all this respect for one another’s privacy is what caused a complete breakdown in government communication.

          One agency knew something. One agency knew something else. When all this info was put together, it became really fucking obvious something was going to happen. But we didn’t do anything because we don’t suspect and we don’t want to go back to that McCarthy era and we don’t want the CIA or FBI or Homeland Security or the po-po or the Feds or the Pentagon or the NSA or the Secret Service or the kid across the street who seems a little fucking paranoid and walks around with a notepad and a safety helmet on taking note as to our behavior and our strange ways. Because my privacy is important and don’t you dare check on me because I’m an American and I have rights and who the fuck are you Big Brother to be checking on me and my coming and goings and so what if I bought 100 pounds of fertilizer and what’s it to you that I have three bottles of clear liquid and tweezers in my carryon luggage Mr. TSA fuckwad and why do you care if I transferred money to this company that also supports small training facilities all over the world. I’m an American God Damn it. Don’t tread on me. And thus the humility is gone the way of the dodo.

One comment

  • Funny!!!! I felt myself transported back to the 911 days. Those were pretty scary times. I think we lost all our privacy then. Who’d a thunk that people were going to be paid to listen in on phone conversations, not just on suspected terrorists, but on Joe Plumber and his girlfriend Donna, ala homeland security?

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