Celebrity Smackdown: Jersey Shore

The next picture, the mic disappeared. Where'd it go? You don't want to know.

          Celebrity Smackdown is our commitment to our audience. We believe that people can be happy and have fulfilling relationships. However, on a constant basis, we are bombarded with images that corrupt our sensibilities and warp our understanding of human connections. Nowhere do we see the disparity between a celebrity and a regular person than in our core values. Where ordinary Joe’s have core values of honesty, family and education, your everyday celebrity that spends their time figuring out how to get their picture taken values attention, spectacle and getting things the easy way. Does that affect us? You bet your ass it does.

          Lee says: We have spoken of the ‘Why are you famous?’ crowd before. We have discussed the ‘famous for being infamous’ and ‘wannabes’ out there during our celebrity smackdown many times. However, when we discuss topics like core values, they are the perfect target for taking the easy road. These individuals have made a ‘career’ out of being outrageous. They make a ‘living’ from partying and saying and doing things that normal people would never do. Now, I am not talking about taking risks or being agents of change and adventure. I am talking about exploiting base human behavior for our entertainment.

          Let’s take the Einsteins from Jersey Shore for example. I hate bringing them up because, for the life of me, I have no idea how these exaggerations of human inanity have become as famous as they have. Oh wait, yes I do! These people are the basest of the base. They show that they are willing to do whatever or whoever to get on TV. They are the personification of paper fortune tellers we used as kids. You know, the ones where you would ask someone for a number and you would count it out then their favorite color — R-E-D and then open the flap! Lo and behold the fortune teller would tell you the man you would marry. Well these assholes play this game but, instead of the loves of their life, the fortune is ‘make out with random dude number 4 in a hot tub’ or ‘guzzle a red cup full of something and leap onto a crowd of elderly, bocce ball players’ (O.K., I made that one up but that is totally in the fortune teller if they pick puce as their color).

          You see for people like Snooki and The Situation (OMFG who gave them these names?), core values are a mystery like fractions or breathing with your mouth closed. No need to plumb the depths of their souls since they are as deep as a puddle and as profound as a fist pump. These poor excuses for humanity would better serve man if they were sold for their meat value. They are vapid and yet as surprised with their fame as we are. However, do not mistake surprise for humility. They really thought they would need to do a donkey show or shoot ping-pong balls out their ass before they were actually noticed.

          All I’m saying is these are the role models of our time. These people, who are the worst caricatures of Italian Americans (BTW, did you know that Snooki is actually a Latina? No, we won’t claim her either.), are obscene. The only value they have is for fame and recognition. They have no desire or intention for longevity. They are the pet rocks with abs and a bumpit who talk a lot of shit and drink. I would be very surprised if they are even a memory in a few years. Nightmares? Definitely!

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