Celebrity Smackdown : Hollywood Grandparents

Before and After. (Candy wishes.)

          We have been sequestered in a hovel for the past two weeks writing our CoupleDumb book on relationships. It promises to be a relationship book like you have never seen before. In the meantime, nothing brings a smile to our face like smacking down celebrities! We have missed dissecting, dismembering and disrespecting these people and we are happy to return to our posts as the Sentinels of Bad Relationship Examples. Since we are talking about Grandparents this week, we thought we would train our eyes on the Granny’s and Grandpa’s of Hollywood. That’s right, not only will we help them across the street, we’ll whack them with their own cane when they get there.

          Lee says: I am not a good person to discuss grandparents since mine, in general, sucked big huge Donkey Dongs. When people mention Grandparents I kind of feel like Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka and go off on another depressing reverie of how my grandparents were less than what they should have been. But enough about me, this week it was a difficult task. How many grandparents have any kind of presence in Hollywood? The funny thing is the only people we could think of were assholes and we thank you again for making our job easier.

          Candy Spelling is the widow of Aaron Spelling, the creator of Melrose Place, and mother of Tori, for those of you living under a rock. Apparently, when Aaron, who was close to a million years of age was dying, Tori refused to see him since she had had some falling out with her Mommy. After Aaron’s passing, Candy took it upon herself to tell the world, in interview and print, that her daughter, Tori, had killed Aaron. Major drama, no? Was it with a candlestick in the bedroom? Was it a lead pipe in the conservatory? Or was it the Shriveled up Widow talking smack? Since then Candy has not spared any opportunity to talk shit about her daughter. She basically cut her out of the estate since she was Aaron’s executor. She didn’t give her a dime.

          I have a little theory. Shitty Grandmothers are only an extension of evil Mothers who probably were jealous of their kids.  And when I say jealous, I mean just that. Some Mom’s don’t want their kids to have relationships with their father and Daddy Aaron gave Tori a career. Candy probably wanted one for the longest time. She probably wanted to be fucking Alexis Carrington back in the day when Dynasty was on (nasty, backstabbing, passive aggressive/aggressive aggressive). Doesn’t that bitch give you a bit of that vibe? She’s definitely not Krystal (she was the nice one). 

          And now that Daddy Aaron is long dead and Tori has survived without begging and pleading with her Mom for money, Candy has decided that the grandchildren are her next pawn. She has never met the youngest; Stella and the other kid would have a hard time picking grandma out of a line-up. To top it off, Candy has accused Tori of using her kids as props. Ouch!

          O.K. Candy, all I can say is ‘Hello Pot, yeah this is Kettle. You’re Black!’ You have created relevance by talking shit about your kid and now you can talk about her kids too! Aren’t Grandma’s supposed to bake cookies and spoil you? I have no clue but I have read books and watched a lot of TV. I’d watch my back if I were you. I hear that Tori had a secret meeting with a Maldavian hit-squad.

          Paul says: Well I had good grandparents and I can say that Candy is doing her evil all wrong. Even if she hated the mom, she should still be funneling Lamborghini’s to the kids. Hell, they should have a little note attached that says, ‘If your mommy doesn’t let you drive this, then she doesn’t love you as much as I do’. Now that is some evil grandmothering.

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