Celebrity Smackdown : Fallen Heroes

Shhhh. There's a Ho attached to my penis.

          The road to perdition has ever been accompanied by lip service to an ideal.  – Albert Einstein

          Wednesday is reserved for exposing the dysfunction of celebrity. Wednesday is reserved for showing people that their idols are really poor role models who will lead them down the road to Perdition and away from true happiness. This is why we do what we do. CoupleDumb is also bombarded by constant media images of which stars are hooking up, breaking up, blowing up or falling apart. We think its good- natured fun but it takes a toll on our psyche and mars our collective unconscious. In other words, they do bad things and we all suffer the consequences.

          Lee says: We live in the same world you do. We are forced to see the same magazine articles and hear the same insipid hyperbolization of the new ‘it’ girl/guy who we will forget tomorrow. We are forced to see Taylor Lautner’s abs while listening to Sean Penn drone on about how he helps out the poor and downtrodden in the world. We are all left wondering if Taylor is juicing and whether all that muscle has rendered him a virtual eunuch and whether Sean is campaigning for President of the World.

          As far as hero worship goes in this country, we have seen what happens when the permanently pedestalled fall. Tiger Woods is one of those. Forever more he will enter the pantheon of former sports heroes who have taken nose dives from herohood like Steve Garvey, Pete Rose and Mark McGwire. Of course, I have omitted O.J. Simpson from this list since he fell so hard that the crater he left from the impact was larger than the Grand Canyon. Juicing, betting and philandering is nothing next to double homicide and armed robbery. 

          However, Tiger has an opportunity here. Tiger can come back from this and be a hero once again. Unfortunately, I’m not feeling that the sincerity will be there. According to the scuttlebutt, he is in a sex rehab facility. As an Addiction Therapist, I totally applaud this choice however I feel this came about as a Public Relations Intervention and not a true dysfunctional behavior issue. I can see it now…

          P.R. Flunky 1: Tiger, when you engage in destructive sex behavior it makes me work so hard. I get calls from every friggen news rag about to run stories about another cocktail waitress that you banged. Listen, when this is all through, I’ll buy the pussy for you up front so we don’t have to pay interest after the fact.

          P.R. Flunky 2: Listen, I’ve worked with all the biggies out there. Sheen, Ryder, Osment. One word for you: ‘Rehab’. I could get you into Miracles or Promises or Fantasies but none of those deals with wandering dick syndrome. So, no Malibu California for you.

          Rehab is not easy. Rehab should never be cushy. It needs to be uncomfortable and you need to be doing stuff you never do like make your bed and learn to take responsibility for yourself all over again from the bed you sleep in to being honest in group. However, my understanding is that Mr. Woods is not attending group because he is too special and doesn’t want his story to come out. Really? There’s more?!

          Tiger, may I call you Kitten? Kitten, you have a serious issue and being a self-entitled shit is not going to handle it. Your problem is not your image but your fear of being alone. Your problem is not the pussy but the need to have it constantly. Your obsessive-compulsive behavior is ruling your life and your history of getting whatever you want has created a monster of a monkey that has taken up residence on your back. Your choices are simple, man up and admit your addiction and work your program or let your wife take a driver to the monkey.

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