Celebrity Smackdown : Celeb Teens
We are half way through adolescent week and we can tell you, the second time through adolescence is so much easier. No zits. No parents to hassle us to wake up or clean up or shape up or get up or shut up or straighten up. We are trying to look back at this time with fondness and only finding that we were pains in the ass and our parents deserve an apology. Today, discussing adolescents is easy because we have a plethora of celebrity adolescents who rightly deserve a smackdown. So sit back, open a Dr. Pepper and Nacho Cheese Doritos and bean dip (Paul’s Junk of Choice when he was an adolescent).
Lee says: I don’t watch teens on TV and avoid them like the plague in films. However, occasionally, some adult character on one of my favorite shows may have an adolescent child where I am forced to watch them for a brief time. Then I can unclench my teeth and gluteus muscles and resume watching my shows. Why the reaction? I have a teenager and know how painful they are. Like a papercut right before you make lemonade, the American teenager is more annoying than a telemarketer for Redbull.
However, one of the horrible side effects of being a teen on TV is that they force you into a time machine and age you several years. In most cases, they also activate some sort of skank makeover and voila, a role model for our kids that makes us all wince. One of these child/whores is Taylor Momsen. Now, I know that she is some sort of singer in a post grunge band but at the tender age of 16, you look like Courtney Love and that is not meant as a compliment. Then again, if you take that as a compliment then you are more fucked up than I originally thought. Skanky is not a fashion choice but a life style choice.
Why does everybody want to look so old? I mean, I remember back in the day when getting a drink was a cool thing and not getting carded was up there with graduating from High School. But these girls are way beyond that and can get any asshole to get their booze. Girls like Lindsay’s less crazy sibling, Ali Lohan, have taken this idea of looking older and created some weird Dorian Grey arrangement. I swear for every teen celeb who looks 10 to 15 years older there is an old celeb who looks tighter and fresher. Ali Lohan looks like a Vegas cocktail waitress who just passed her prime. You know what I mean right? That look that says ‘I was pretty once. My tits are still OK but the younger girls are getting the bigger tips’. I wouldn’t be surprised if Mommy surprised her with the Ashlee Simpson transformation special.
I will admit that I feel a little slimy putting Ali Lohan in this post since the only thing she has ever done in the entertainment field is share screen time with her Mother who was desperately trying to stay in the public eye. More deserving of my scathing descriptions is a regular like Miley Cyrus. At this point, Miley thinks she is an adult and can do what she wants. Now, to be fair, where she is from, she is already an old-maid and them eggs aren’t getting any fresher.
Miley ‘My voice is a mixture of hand rolled tabaccy and Jack’ Cyrus is yet another example of girl/woman. These kids think they are adults. These kids, due to their fame, can do whatever they want and are afforded perks that other adolescents are not. However, these are our kid’s role models. These are the gems that our kids look up to. How scary is that? Their choices are Miley or Taylor on one end of the spectrum and then Nick ‘I will not know the touch of a woman until married’ Jonas or Selena ‘I was named after a murdered Tejano Singer ’ Gomez. So either skank or purity ring wearing deluded teen? Wow! Give me Rob Lowe and Molly Ringwald who were cute, acted their age and had no illusions that they would be saving anything until marriage.