Are You Ready?

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          Tomorrow, October 29th, is a day that should be celebrated throughout the lands with food, wine and great merriment. It should be an international holiday and revered as a day of peace and celebration. Aside from being the 302 day of the year on the Gregorian calendar and the birth date of famous Norwegian Speed Skater Johann Olav Koss and death date of Joseph Pulitzer, why else should we take the day off and commemorate this wonderful October day? It is Paul’s birthday of course! The following is a list of things Lee would give him if she had all the resources in the world. Don’t look for sexual favors since those she can and will provide on any given date.

          1. A trip to India to include a stay at a palace and shacking up with sherpas.

The Indian trip will have to show all sides of India and include at least a couple of weeks at an ashram where we will learn all sorts of cool things. Riding elephants and seeing tigers and venerating cows are all part of this once in a lifetime adventure.

          2. A wine tasting class.

This one seems simple but it’s usually the easy things that are difficult for us to do for ourselves. We say things like ‘I’ll do it next year’ and ‘I would rather spend the money on little Johnny’s _____ (fill in the blank with whatever you think will make your child’s childhood better than yours). Take the damn class! Take the damn vacation! Stop denying yourself! And when you do, tell us how.

          3. A regular visit with a professional massage therapist.

As a chick with fibromyalgia, I don’t understand Paul’s love of massages. Personally, I find them painful. However, my love adores them and this would be one of those gifts that would make him truly happy. Not happy ending happy, just regular happy.

          4. Lunch with Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner.

No, he would not be allowed to talk to them but he would get to watch them eat and perhaps listen to them talking to each other. The enforced silence is really a blessing for Paul since he would be sitting there stunned anyway. I doubt he would even eat but he will tell you afterwards it was the best lunch ever while he sneaks food off of your plate. Oh, and they would need to recreate the Pon Farr fury of ‘Amok Time’ and fight to the death. Yes, they can bring in the pregnant woman and midget as their stunt doubles.

          5.  A maid/assistant/ghostwriter/Media-Marketing-PR professional.

Yes, this would have to be one person since Paul doesn’t really like people and too many people makes it more likely that he will despise one of them. It’s simple math, really. The maid would need to be willing to clean our floors daily since we have 2 monkeys and 2 dogs. The assistant would have to handle all the extraneous crap Paul deals with to keep this family going. The ghostwriter would have to write posts for him when he commits to them and hasn’t a friggen clue what he wants to say. And the PR person needs to market CoupleDumb until we are considered the only people to turn to for relationship advice. That’s all. Any takers?

          There are so many more gifts that I can think of but they would involve lube or food.

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