An open letter to Taylor Swift from the Relationship Experts of CoupleDumb

Real Relationship Advice

Dear Taylor Swift,

Can we call you Taylor? We figure if you are willing to bare all in song, you aren’t worried about simple etiquette. Consider this your public intervention. We have been watching you hop from boy to boy to man for years now with an entire playlist to show for it. The purpose of this letter is to shock you and have you look at your relationships not as song fodder but as omen’s of a lonely, drama-filled life. Admittedly you will be surrounded by your platinum records and money but you will forevermore be branded as a serial relationship killer who will edify your conquest in song.

Your image is that of innocence and purity. Your songs are full of romance and relationships with the pathos of a Shakespearean tragedy. However, your reality is closer to a swingers’ club boyfriend roulette. What are you looking for? If you are looking for your Romeo please remember he dies in the story. If you are looking for romance and love and consideration and affection and fidelity, why are you looking at the Lotharios of the celebrity world? Yes, they are cute. Yes, they can sing/act and wear their hair messy and still look yummy. However, you don’t approach a guy who has hot and cold running groupies on tap ready to drop to their knees with a snap of the finger with ‘do you wanna go steady?’ These guys are not ones to wait for anything!

For these staples of the TMZ world, they see you as a prize, not as a woman. You are like Tracy Lord, ‘This citadel can and shall be taken, and I’m the boy to do it.’* You represent that virginal quality most girls lose after a guy breaks her heart. Some men haven’t changed through the ages. They still see themselves as warriors and hunters. They stalk their prey. They want the virgins even if they have no idea what they are doing. And to men who can call up a pair of bimbos from room service, the idea of having a virgin is a conquest they can’t pass up.

This has nothing to do with whether you have had sex or not. You continue to portray the part of the young ingénue who wants an old fashioned guy to court her; hold her hand while they stroll down the boulevard and serenade her under her window. Taylor, I am so sorry to tell you that none of the guys you are dating would do that. They don’t need to! And while we are on the subject of the guys you are dating, why would you date an 18 year old? An 18 year old guy is only 12 in girl years. You are 23!! And don’t even get us started on what an 18 year old wants.

Most importantly, you have to stop writing songs about the men you date. You are quickly getting the reputation of kissing and singing. You are spilling the details in song on every guy you are seeing which would probably make every other man in the world shy away from you. Pretty soon your songs will get even bitterer and titles such as ‘Little Wienie’ and ‘Two pump chump’ will enter your repertoire. Guys will not risk this even if their inner warrior is dying to conquer you.

Look, you are a beautiful, intelligent and talented young woman who has her whole life to work out these issues. However, the more you spend time with the wrong kind of guy the more you are going to think that all men are created equal and they are not. Most men will wait. Most men will thank the stars to have a woman even consider them. Most men will not treat a woman like crap and break up with them via text. Most men are gentlemen, romantic and corny which is just what you are looking for according to your songs.

So our expert advice is STOP DATING. Take a break. Concentrate on your career. Have fun with your friends. Write songs that make people happy and not wonder what asshole inspired them. We want you to be happy. To make this a reality you need to see how your poor choices and need to be in relationship is laying the foundation of a life of brief romances that lead to nothing but a heartbreak, hit songs and millions of dollars. But we have to ask, is that enough for you?

Your friends,

*Philadelphia Story- not to be confused with the Tom Hanks movie. This one had Katherine Hepburn and Cary Grant. Go watch it Taylor, it will teach you a lot.


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