Addicted to Love
We have been married for 20 years. To clarify though, these have been good years, not ‘I’m staying with you because of the kids or I’m afraid I will be alone’ years. We are happy. We are the couple that makes people sick. We hold hands and will engage in public displays of affection on any given grocery run. This is one of the reasons we started this blog in the first place. Somehow or another, we have avoided the common traps and pitfalls that most couples succumb to. Sure we were incredibly naïve when we married but we were smart enough to know we didn’t know everything.
Lee says: I can’t tell this story without some background. I have mentioned that my parents were born and bred in Cuba. I was raised in a strict Catholic household where we ate rice with some sort of meat on a daily basis. I had no idea what spam, Rice Krispies treats or a casserole was until I was an adult. My parents were fiery, dramatic and volatile. As a child, I watched them fight all the time and it usually was around some sort of jealousy. Both my parents are very good looking, flirtatious and charming as hell so these arguments were commonplace. This was my marriage training ground. And you’re wondering, what the hell does this have to do with Addictions?
We had been married for a few weeks and we were enjoying the honeymoon phase. On Friday, we would come home from work, have sex, take a nap and then go to dinner. It was our favorite day of the week! One such Friday, we were dressing for dinner and as I slipped on a black sweater, he asked me to remove my bra. I was stunned since the sweater left little to the imagination in the booby department and going without a foundation garment put them on display.
I became so hurt and angry that I couldn’t even speak. I remember sitting down on the bed and feeling my eyes burning from the tears. We were newlyweds and getting hurt was easy back then. I told Paul that other men could see me like this and he just smiled and nodded. That’s when I lost it and yelled he didn’t love me because he wasn’t jealous or possessive of me. In retrospect, I do realize how incredibly fucked up that statement was but I was young and stupid. My wonderful husband took me in his arms and held me while I cried. He informed me that he was fine with ogling men since I would be coming home with him. That was the day I realized how sick my parents were/are. They had equated jealousy with love and passed that gem onto me.
Most couples are addicted to the drama of relationship. The fighting, competing, accusing is just foreplay in their warped definition of love. It’s like everyone is still 16 and just can’t seem to get over that ‘he said – she said’ bullshit. We may not pass notes anymore, but I’ll text you until my little fingers bleed. Here is a hint, if you don’t trust them, there is something wrong with your relationship and the problem is probably you. This is not to say that your partner is perfect, they are probably messed up too, but you can’t change them.
We tend to replay the same dysfunctional patterns our parents did, even choosing mates to fit the right roles. Their sick ideas of love are like family traditions. So, be honest, what did you learn from them?
Paul says: As a side note and before I get a bunch of angry email, I fully understand that I was objectifying my wife. As Lee said, we were young, I had a lot more testosterone coursing through my body, and the idea of trotting out my arm candy worked for me. In my now enlightened man of the new millennium state, I understand how messed up that was. But that is the subject of another post.