A child’s Christmas list – Not!
Tuesday is the day we dedicate to all things children. We dedicate it to the thankless job of parenting these little animals that occasionally remind us of how cute they are and warm our cockles just before doing something to drive us crazy again. Maybe we shouldn’t write this part after they woke us up for the 4th morning straight before the sun had a chance to open its eyes and have a good stretch. Maybe we shouldn’t be writing this while they are still insisting on driving us crazy by practicing this systematic amnesia. You know where they apparently are behaving by doing exactly what you ask but then forgetting it less than 5 minutes later. But back to the topic of the week which is ‘It’s the thought that counts’ and gift giving to little ones need a lot of thought. Here is a list of toys that should not be given to kids under any circumstance.
Star Wars: The Force Trainer
If you are buying this you obviously have a career path chosen for your children that they will never be able to live up to unless that path is psychic assassin. Please note that smile as he uses his telekinetic power to amuse his victim. A few moments after this picture was taken, the powerless youth was only a torso and some shoes.
Melissa & Doug Deluxe Wooden Puppet Theatre
Puppets are creepy and giving a child a puppet theater and encouraging them to use puppets in any way should be a crime. Take a moment and try to see your child in the future. That’s right. They are the overweight puppeteer that has never been laid and calls their little felt people their only friends.
Hello Kitty Toaster
Who the fuck gives their kids a small appliance for Christmas? Are you going to let them keep it in their room? I love toast but if you insisted on giving me one with a kitty imprint I would need to poke you in the eye.
Melissa & Doug Make Your Own Pretty Princess Plush Puppet
Is it just me or do those dolls look like fucked up trannies who would call each other sister and insist on being referred to as girl even though they have really hairy arms and their voice is deeper than James Earl Jones? Oh, O.K.. Just me.