Hell is full of adolescent girls (but they work there)

p1300003Lee and I love our children, contrary to popular opinion. We spend a lot of time with them, both quality and the other type. But I am not so certain that we like kids in concept. They have a unique blend of smelly and annoying that may change over the years but doesn’t go away until it is sandblasted away with the cynical pressures of life.  So that is why I was approaching Jeannie’s small gathering of female friends,  five adolescent girls coming over to celebrate Jeannie’s birthday, with the same dread that OJ Simpson should have when he meets Saint Peter.

Here’s how the evening went:

4:30 First friend arrives. Lee turned to me and said “I love you” then laughed as the girls began to sing 9 in the afternoon on Rockband.

4:35 : Eye of the Tiger- they changed octaves in the middle of the song.  The tippy tap of the drum is off beat.  Oh sweet death take me now.

4:45 Ricky, our 2 year old, grabbed the keys and tried to leave.

4:55 Lee tells me to fuck off. Apparently, Mrs. Funnypants has lost her sense of humor.

6:30 All of the girls are here now. Jeannie informs me that there are 84 song levels in this game. They are on number 22. Oddly enough, that is the same level of hell that I’m on.

7:45 Cutting the cake because boys want it.  See the picture of Ricky above. 

8:00 They stop to eat. Rockband is done and now they are talking around the table. I fear it is just a changing of the demon in my Dante like nightmare.

9:33 The line, “How can you let someone else clean your pipes?” catches our attention. Lee laughs. I do a Google search for chastity belts.

9:39 Mommy approves of the friend with the potty mouth.  Opinionated.  Funny.

9:46 Paul figured out that Jeannie and posse are in training for bitch weekends.  Just a few drinks, cigarettes and more explicit sex talk and, voila, Bitch Weekend.*

10:12 All of Jeannie’s friends except one are blind.

11:20 All of the girls but one, who will be spending the night, have left. Jeannie is still talking at high speed. As the girls retire for the night, I can still hear the chittering.

With the exception of Rockband, which was like having my ears scooped out with a molten spoon, the evening was less painful than expected.  When I think back to the table talk, a kind of parental melancholia comes over me. Listening to my daughter, I hear my wife’s voice with all of the sharp wit and clever retorts, and I know that she is crossing through the insane wonderland mirror into adulthood.   Funny, I might not like children but I hate the idea of my baby becoming a woman.

Oh hum.

Lee says: I also dreaded the evening.  Yes I was a teenage girl a long time ago but even then I knew we were annoying as hell.  What made me happy was that Jeannie has nice friends who are funny.  They weren’t talking about guys or the school skank.  They had random topics that sparked funny observations.  Yes she is 16 now but that doesn’t mean she needs to be boy crazy.  I know she has a couple of guys who like her but she seems more interested in being a little girl still and that’s just fine by me. 

*(Bitch Weekends are the occasional times I get to play with my friends.  We usually end up at Lina’s apartment and spend hours drinking, smoking and talking shit until the wee hours.  If you are a woman reading this, you know women have some intense conversations.  Imagine that same conversations with a group of friends who are so tight they have no issue with being called my bitches, just like I am theirs.  Where my bitches at?)


  • nadine

    One of those girls was my 13 year old daughter…amongst the high school girls having such explicit conversation. Whew!!! Thank God I was not there! Thanks Lee and Paul for chaperoning!

    Where your bitches at?!!! Right here, biaatch! Woop! Woop!

  • Hinchey

    what the hell? I would have lost it on the ““How can you let someone else clean your pipes?” Where did that come from? Do they even know what that means. I am not even sure if I now what that means.

  • Hinchey

    It is not all that difficult to piss Lee off. Lee may I refer you to Dave Barry and his observation that many times men truly are thinking of how much gravel is needed for the driveway.

  • Aidi


    Who says you ain’t funny? I read “funny”… and sad too… I too was touched by your profound statements of a parent, watching his child “grow up”. Weird huh? I too, can’t believe that she is the same one I used to put pony tails on? Now… I put make-up on her! Oh MY GOD!!! still can’t get over that one. I’m feelin my eyes leaking…. 🙁

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