Young Love, Dumb Love
Another Monday and we are gearing up for Summer at CoupleDumb. There is so much to do and so little time. Next week we will be doing a special radio show for Father’s Day because we believe in equal time. We are also planning a trip back to the motherland to see some old friends (no they aren’t old). It’s an exciting time for us with the Dysaffirmation book out, planning book signings and marketing, it’s almost like falling in love. But will it last?
Lee says: We talked about the science of love last week which elicited more questions than answers. If it’s so yummy falling in love, what makes it stop working? What’s the secret to making it to the opium high stage of love after 20+ years? If it feels so good to fall in love, isn’t it more pleasurable to be a serial lover and just stick around for a few months and move on? Why should you care about long term love?
Good questions and the answers are easier than you think. Society has obscured the answers with accepted dysfunction. The rush of love is there to preserve the species. It is imperative for reproduction for men and women to feel an affinity and it is better for humankind for the offspring to be parented and nurtured. What keeps us together is a deeper bond. Without developing a friendship, most couples are doomed.
Paul says: Lee and I became friends long before we were lovers. That way, even when we are not having, or trying to have, sex we still enjoy being together. That makes the remaining 23 hours and 50 minutes of the day so much more pleasant.
Lee continues: Society has made a big deal about opposites attracting. Sure they do and they probably cause major chemical reactions as well. Unfortunately, after a few months, that passion leaves and what you have left is two opposite people with nothing in common. Affinity. Common Goals. Common Interests. These are the things that keep a couple together. The chemicals are nice but fleeting.
Neurochemicals work like drugs by getting you ‘high’. Some drugs give you an initial high that is never achieved again. Therefore, you are always seeking that initial high. Love is the same way. The initial rush, excitement and euphoria is hard to get back when you begin a relationship. The goal, for some of us, is to maintain the relationship while we are in the chemical lulls. Some people make their exits as soon as the high goes. They leave to find the new high, new love. These people believe that the grass and high is always greener and higher somewhere else. However, their system, like a drug addict, is scarred. The ups and downs stunt the system and, emotionally, they become retarded; not understanding how to maintain a relationship.
These people are ultimately never fulfilled since they create no deeper bonds with anyone, just settling for the rush. Kind of like a 40-something year old who’s a pothead. Pathetic and lonely with only the young kids coming over to steal his stash.
Paul continues: And we still look for the rush. The trick is to find fun and healthy ways to get those neuro-juices flowing. I like Mac-on-Mom-before-the-kids-get-there as one of my favorite games. This, to me, is the important focus of the newly post newlywed, that time right after the first two years of marriage. The traditional vows call for ‘having and holding for better and worse’. Unfortunately, nobody knows what this means and how insidiously both better and worse can separate a couple.
It is when these forces are at play that you want someone that is in tune with your thinking, not just a long term booty call, but a partner to promote passionate, healthy, playful growth in this corporation that we call marriage. Opposites just leave and steal your credit cards.