Women’s Rights or Leave My Vagina Alone
Real Relationship Advice
I have tried to stay Zen and maintain my chakras open and love every creature on this earth but sometimes people do some stupid shit that just makes me say, ‘What the fuck?!’
Lately, almost as if they are trying to incite a riot, politicians are doing some seriously stupid things that just get my dander up, panties in a twist and generally piss me off. The biggest culprits of these stupid bombs have to be white, middle aged men who have decided that they know what is best for women. One of my favorite moves was Congressman Issa’s congressional hearing to oppose President Obama’s birth control coverage plan. He got together 10 witnesses and not one of them owned a vagina themselves. Sure, they may grab their mate’s vagina and say Neanderthalic things like ‘this pussy is mine’ but that does not mean they understand the experience of having one. I would ask Congressman Issa this: ‘Do you really think a man knows more about a woman’s need for birth control?’ If I’m not mistaken, men insisted for years that PMS was a myth and it wasn’t until women entered the Gynecological field that they began to address PMS as a real condition that could be very serious.
You know what Congressman Issa, don’t answer that. You know it will get you into trouble and I already think you’re an asshole anyways. But, you are small potatoes. You should take classes from the State Senators around this great nation introducing bills to make it the law that all women seeking an abortion get a transvaginal ultrasound. Yeah, those guys are really special, if special means sadistic, Hannibal Lecters sitting in a small room with no windows, coming up with innovative ways to make women chattel before the Mayan Apocalypse. Men like Idaho State Sen. Chuck Winder (R-Boise) and Alabama State Sen. Clay Scofield have introduced bills requiring that women get probed like some bad sci-fi movie with aliens. My favorite has to be Illinois House Agriculture Committee. They created the ‘Ultrasound Opportunity Act’ which requires a doctor to show the woman the ultrasound (yes, she can refuse it but cheeses on a cracker, why not just beat her with a stick!).
Just so we are clear, a transvaginal ultrasound is performed with a ‘wand’ that looks a whole lot like a G-spot vibrator and it is wielded around in your lady business by a disaffected middle aged woman who took ultra sound courses in night school while working as a waitress and it is sheathed in a condom and wiggled around until they can find something the size of a pea inside your womb. The best views occur when they press it against your vaginal walls. Yeah, doesn’t that sound fun?
Here’s the thing, I want all of you Pro-life people to gather round and take a fucking seat. There is a fundamental problem with the debate here and CoupleDumb is here to clear it up. First, people who are Pro-choice are not pro-abortion. In general, Pro-choice people are not handing out wire hanger favors and punch-cards that give you a free snow cone with your 5th abortion. The reason most of us are Pro-choice is because, ultimately, what you do with your body is your choice. We respect that and hope you respect our right to choose for ourselves. Shitting on my right to choose is downright Un-American! We choose to trust the woman in making her own choice based on her circumstances and not on some rich, middle aged white man’s judgment who’s rudimentary understanding of how these things work is based on some inflammatory sermon they heard in church and not on the Constitution of the United States!
We do want to give a shout out to Pennsylvania State Senator Larry Farnese who is introducing legislation that requires men to get prostate exams, sex therapy and cardiac stress test before being prescribed erectile dysfunction drugs. Brilliant sir, we salute you!
Listen, I say live and let live. I say, deep breaths and move on. I want to stay on that mountain top contemplating the sound of the beating of a butterfly’s wings. And trust us, I won’t do another ‘what the fuck’ if they promise to stay out of my cooter.