Why Choose A Younger Man?

THE Relationship Blog


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Cougars. There is something feral about the term, ‘Cougars’. It conjures up images of young, supple men lounging on the savannah and some vicious cat beast stalking, chasing and mounting the witless victim. Whereas a man dating a younger woman is called a stud (or as Paul said, Pig), a woman is given a name that is associated with attacks, violence and death. It is very clear that the term was not meant to encourage women to join that team. And yet, women have embraced the lifestyle of cougar and wear the badge with pride. So why choose a younger man?

Ladies, we learned very early on that boys are immature. Even before we got our periods we could see a huge difference between the priorities of a girl versus that of a boy. This difference in maturity is not a wives tale or the incredible public relations campaign that women have maintained for millennia. There is a biological reason for maturity. Maturity dictates commitment. A girl matures faster because, on the off chance that she becomes impregnated, socio-biologically, she is better off having the child and raising it. Males are encouraged, genetically, to sew their wild oats with the biological urge to leave his seed hither and about.

In the real world, cougars are operating a different system. Cougars are generally in their mid to late 30s and 40s. These are the years where a woman begins to reach her sexual peak. This is also the time, not coincidently, that fertility becomes compromised.  And, in addition to biological encouragement, this is also the time that women who become cougars end a long term relationships through one of the three Ds (death, divorce or desertion). Having endured a dysfunctional relationship, a woman chooses to do things differently. And, if the woman happened to be in a relationship where her needs were not met or she felt controlled, she may choose to turn the tables. In these cases, the choice to become a cougar is based on power.

This is where the problem comes. As we have mentioned before, we employ defense mechanisms to avoid feelings. One of the defense mechanisms that we use is called reaction formation. Reactions formation is over-compensating to avoid the opposite. For example, the child of an alcoholic becomes a teetotaler. These women come out of years of oppression (whether real or perceived) and become controlling so as to avoid ever being in a position where a man could oppress her again.

Being a cougar is control. The women generally are more financially secure, know a little more about life and have no need to play games. Men find that quite intoxicating (which should be a clue for the 20-somethings playing games and wrapping themselves in drama). Sexually, cougars have less hang-ups and tend to be the initiator. For men who have suffered psyche damage from a 20-something girl, being with a woman who knows what she wants, initiates the relationship and is not shy about sex is like hitting the lotto.

Like all relationships, being aware of the dynamics is so important. Be aware of why you are choosing an older woman. Be aware of what motivates your choice of a younger man. And whatever you do, don’t pretend it just happened. Nothing just happens. All actions are motivated by needs and wants. Believing in happenstance is the same as being irresponsible. We are the masters of our destiny and pretending otherwise is to subject your life to the whim of the wind.

So cougars, enjoy yourselves. Avoid denying why you are shacking up with a young hottie. Trust me, most women are secretly envious and appalled at the same time. We can have those feelings at the same time. We’re complex like that.

One comment

  • None of my close friends are dating cougars,or are cougars themselves, but I recently was sent a friend request on Facebook by an old friend and was surprised to see a wedding picture on his profile with him in a tux and his (much older) wife in a white dress. I’ve always wondered how this happens and why…and your post makes a lot of sense. I figured it was sexual in nature for the younger man, but never thought about the control factor for the women. Whatever floats your boat…I say. 😀

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