When the love is gone.
You guys haven’t been asking questions so we have to scrounge around for them. We were looking at our search counter and found that someone had arrived at CoupleDumb by searching for ‘what do I do if I no longer love my significant other?’ That totally caught us by surprise since we usually see searches for His and Hers KY and Chris Brown is a Punk Ass Bitch. No, we didn’t want to answer the question and we literally pretended that we could fashion a question out of thin air before having to address it. But, we aren’t cowards and how will our readers believe us when we say we will answer any question?
Lee responds: This question is at face value pretty easy. If you aren’t in love, leave them and avoid the resentment. But, as a woman who has been married for over 20 years to the same man ( I actually have to point that out since I had some lady add up all her marriages to ‘beat’ my record), I have plenty to say about the ebb and flow of love.
We were married young. We had dated for 17 days before becoming engaged. In the beginning, I remember thinking that I would explode when I was around him and sex was more a numbers game than skill. I remember being married for a while when I suddenly felt odd. I was feeling distant from him and would actually question why I was still around. The feeling scared me. I knew I wanted to be with him but those feelings of passion and euphoria were gone.
In the last 20 years, this feeling has come up more than once and my reaction to it is the same each time: FEAR. What I find is that after a short while, and some effort to communicate, I fall in love with him all over again. I regain the flutter in my stomach, the need to linger over a kiss and passion that reminds me that I am wanted and he is the one I want. More importantly, I remember who my best friend is. I can lie on his chest and listen to his heart beat and know that there is nowhere else I want to be; our love, deeper and healthier than before.
Many couples see these times as a sign that the end is near. Most couple’s Armageddon begins with a feeling of distance and then implodes into the blame game. I believe the divorce rate is as high as it is because people believe in the fairy tale of 24 hour passion and the first hiccough is reason to jump ship. A lack of true commitment and honest communication is the death of relationships. Regardless of how you start, the end usually looks the same.
So whoever was looking up that question, I hope you read this. If the relationship is not violent or emotionally abusive, give it time and talk about it with your partner. I can tell you if I hadn’t, I would be blogging with my lover Ramon rather than my wonderful husband. I wonder if Ramon writes.
Paul says: You know that Ramon doesn’t write. He is only your boy toy. Now that I have put the joke out there, we need to dissect it a little because it is the humorous cornerstone of the ‘I’m not in love’ fallacy. Lee called it the fairy tale of 24 hour passion. I like that allusion. Ramon (or Ramona) does not write. He does not have a job, raise children, feel stress, grow old, or have fear. You see, Ramon is not real. He is the creation of a pubescent fantasy wrapped in an adults longing for a past that probably had never happened.
For me, the reality is much more romantic then the fantasy; a true woman who understands the need to ‘talk it out’, who knows the virtue of tired sex, and who can whisk me back to a day when the spirit was willing before the flesh became weak. So, without knowing any detail about our searcher, I am going to make this rash generalization and you can comment if you want: Lust does not equal love, and people do not fall out of love.