What Not To Do When Having Sex

Real Relationship Advice

When you were a kid, especially if you were born and raised in the U.S., you ate American cheese. You ate the slices that were wrapped in plastic. You would eat these happily throughout your childhood without any argument that there must be something better out there. In fact, you thought that’s how all cheese was made- sliced, wrapped in plastic in a box. Fast forward to adulthood and you are introduced to brie, smoked Gouda or a lovely Manchego and the idea of ever eating the crap you ate in your childhood becomes almost repugnant. This is the exact same thing as sex. Yes, you would prefer a goat Monterey cheese on your burger but will settle for American. Good sex is the good cheese and masturbation is like American cheese in slices wrapped in plastic.

When we talk about what not to do in your sexcapades, we usually discuss issues of safety and health. Let’s face it, if fucking can kill you, safety should be the number 1 issue in coitus. Today will be a little different. Today we will assume that you will never have unprotected sex with a stranger or at least until you have 3 months’ worth of clean STD tests. Today we will assume you are not sleeping with someone you just met at a bar and the only thing you know about them is that their name starts with a vowel and they have some rhythm and maybe you overheard them say they are an actor or waiter or submarine operator. We are going to assume you are a responsible person to allow someone access to your batcave/tallywhacker. So let’s continue:

What not to do when you are going to have sex:

1. Don’t get in your head (we aren’t saying don’t give head- just don’t overthink it)-

Sex is not in your head unless you are talking fantasy. If you allow yourself to do what comes naturally, then you will do well. If you take to sex as a person without rhythm takes to dancing, you will be awful at it. It isn’t the steps, it’s the passion. We aren’t saying that technique plays no part in sex but technique is more about the riffing than the kick ball change. (Are the metaphors too much?)

2. Take off your socks-

Look, we know its winter and it’s cold. Heck, where we live it was -2 degrees the other day. If your partner wants you to take off your socks, take them off. You will warm up eventually if you are doing it right.

3. Be freaky but keep it between the two of you-

It is so cool to have threesomes and engage in Bondage and S&M and all that until the next time you try to have sex. When we raise the bar to what excites us to achieve an orgasm that bar takes a long time to come back down to earth. For example: If you eat three sandwiches for lunch most days, will you be sated with 1? Probably not. Your stomach is waiting for the other two. The same holds true for your libido. Keep it fun and simple.

Tomorrow, CoupleDumb takes a stab at creating stupid, impossible positions like the Butter Churner. You must come back to check it out.

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