The Not Gift Guide For Women

THE Relationship Blog

What are you doing sitting there? Did you know you only have 22 days to shop for my birthday(oh, and 28 days for that Christmas thing…if you’re into that)? I know it is difficult. What do you get for the woman who has everything and more? Instead of giving you a shopping list which would require you to put no thought into the gift, I am giving you an unshopping list. So, consider this the 2nd annual Women’s Un-gift guide (or in other words, shit you don’t get women unless you really don’t like them- guide).

Brookstone – Boogie Board Paperless LCD Writing Tablet – Black

Seriously?! You would spend 40 bucks on this electronic blackboard? Look, if you need to make a list, write yourself an email or use a pen on the back of an envelope but for the love of cupcakes do not spend money on this. Better yet, give me the 40 dollars and I’ll keep your lists for you. How about making it fun and getting one of these instead
and save 35 dollars. Sucker!

Marmot Connect Gloves

If you read CoupleDumb, you know we moved from tropical Miami to the mountains in California where it snows.  The thickest jacket I owned prior to moving was a hoodie and gloves were a Halloween costume accessory. Now, I have several jackets and I have gloves that protect my fingers from frost bite. These gloves are special because you can still use them to work your electronics. Like I’m really going to be sending a text while standing outside! Listen, I know we are neck deep in the electronic age and texting, tweeting and typing are all essentials if you want to make it but if I need to wear special gloves to do my job I need to reconsider my priorities. Can’t I do text my sister, inside, next to a fire, perhaps with a lovely hot toddie? I’ll stick to my big gloves and text you when I am warm enough to move my fingers.

Peanut butter & Jelly of the Month Club

I love peanut butter and jelly. I really do. But, do you know how much PB&J I can buy for the amount of money you are going to spend on this stupid gift? A lot. This is once again one of those gifts where you can give me the cash and call it even. I’ll buy myself my own PB and J and even some bread and still have money left over for a glass of milk.

The World’s Largest Gummy Worm

They say that a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. I can’t even look at this picture and not wonder if this monstrosity has been used in porn. I just have a question: Do you eat it or fuck it?

Pajama Jeans

I like being comfy like everybody else. I have bathrobes, loungers, muumuus and house dresses that just ooze relaxation. I don’t think I have ever needed to or desired to be both relaxed and sporty at the same time. I cannot recall a time where I really wanted to leave the house wearing one of my comfy wardrobe pieces nor have I wanted to fool people in thinking that I left my pajamas at home. I fear that these Pajama Jeans are the evil workings of some diabolical madman who wants to enslave the world while we are trying to wear pajamas as every day wear. Just a thought.

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