The Myth Of Chemistry

The problem with folks and relationships is that for some reason they are under the impression that chemistry is the magnet that brings you together and romance is glue that keeps you together. Well, as always, CoupleDumb is here to talk the real science of coupling and trust me that this ‘chemistry’ you speak of is really sea monkeys and romance works like kindergarten paste in the face of real life. Buckle up kids, we are getting into the real science of couples and it ain’t pretty.

chemistry

Do you want to know what attracts people? Social Psychology is very clear as to how people begin relationships. The secret is attraction. Now, does this means that only pretty people will hook a mate? Nope. Attraction has many layers and beauty is just one of them. The physical is there but only insofar as the person finds you attractive. Real attraction beyond the ‘OMG, he is so cute!’ and maybe a date, requires more attributes than a dimple and all your teeth. The issue with attraction is that people tend to pick partners who they believe are similar in attractiveness to them. Of course, this also shows how limited we are when we choose mates based on attraction. If we have shitty self-esteem, we are more likely to pick someone ‘not as pretty’ as us. Then, that person will think they won the lottery before they discover that their partner needs work….like a lot of it.

True attraction also requires proximity. Yeah, we tend to like the folks who are closer to us. Yes, we know, you had a long distance relationship and did just fine and look, we racked up millions of frequent flyer miles and own a piece of ATT because of our phone bills….distance is not necessarily the determinant of proximity. When you create a relationship, even a friendship, the distance is mitigated by contact. Tell me you had a long distance relationship and he was in Antarctica and could only contact you every 6 months and you only see him every 2 years, I can predict the demise of that romance.

You know what else we need to be attracted to someone? Similarity. Sure, opposites attract but they also implode. When you say that your lover is the opposite of you, you are omitting the very things that keep you together. Do you believe in the same things? Do you value the same things? Do you value your relationship? If you tell me you are a Baptist Pastor and your woman is a card carrying Atheist, I can see there may be a problem. However, not completely insurmountable if your woman is a good person and you do not preach fire and brimstone to all non-believers. You won’t love something that you abhor in another area of your life…get it? You are a librarian and she is a motor-mama with the Wheeling Wizards and your love is based on the fact that you met in a chat room where you both expressed your love of everything Harry Potter…that makes sense.

Finally, we are attracted to folks who are attracted to us. We are a vane lot. We like those who like us and that is a good thing. Can you imagine being in love with someone who doesn’t even like you? Sure you can. You have seen that movie, too! In real life, we are not that dense. We love those who love us and the more they do, we do too. Saying, ‘I love you’ is not just to communicate but to cement the attraction.

So, where does chemistry and romance fit in…it doesn’t. Come back tomorrow so we can tear down some more love myths.

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