The Fantasy Of Fantasy
Oh cruel summer! You tease us as a memory so that we long for you then arrive and quickly remind us how God-awful hot and sticky you are. Never mind that you bring children who are demanding our attention 24 hours a day. Our only respite is fantasizing about the day that they return to school. In fact, this whole summer has been tolerable due to living in the fantasy of privacy and kids in school. So what does this have to do with the stupid things we do to mess up relationships?
Lee says: I’m a girl. Thought you should know before we proceeded. A girl is socialized to pretend, imagine and fantasize. If you take a moment and recall every classic Disney film (yes, we are going after Disney again), you will see that every girl in every film is wishing for some guy to find her or can’t wait to get the hell out of wherever they are. Snow White was ‘wishing for the one she loves to find her’ and Aurora from Sleeping Beauty walks through the forest telling the woodland creatures how she wants to hook up with some dude. So, in essence, we are doomed. We are caught up in a dream state of princes and speaking woodland creatures and we all sing while traipsing through the forest swishing our skirts around.
Fantasy is normal and fun if you do it well. However, what we tend to do (and this includes boys too) is we give our fantasies a certain magical power. Even the most pragmatic person suffers from some magical thinking. You start dating someone and they do not quite fit the mythical creature that you have created as the perfect partner, thus, they are not perfect. Fantasies allow us the possibility of perfection and yet we never make the distinction that in pretendo-land all is possible and real-life things get dirty and broken.
Relationships are not fantasies and to size up your partner against a construct that has no flaws is a recipe for doom. Our fantasy mate is perfect and compatible with us in every way. Their looks fit our tastes perfectly. They are as intelligent as we want them to be. They are as wealthy as we want them to be. They are as caring, affectionate and loving as we want them to be. They are as limber as we need them to be and have the libido and stamina that we want them to have. They always agree with us and know exactly what we want when we want it. Who the hell would want to date someone real?
It is when we sub-consciously compare the real to the fantasy that we have problems. This is the ‘grass is greener’ idea. You can always do better. As long as we maintain that idea, no one is good enough for us. This is the fallacy of not getting married because you will miss out. On what? All the perfect dick/pussy in the universe? You mean the same perfect dick/pussy you didn’t get before? It doesn’t exist! Only in your fantasy is their perfection because in real life we have approximations. This is why fantasies sadden and disappoint people because nothing and no one can come close to that perfection. This is why I love my Mr. Mostly Perfect for Me.
Try this next time you go out. Drop all expectations of the evening and just be surprised with the moment. Surrender to the perfection of imperfection. Don’t worry. You’ll go home soon and all your fantasies will be waiting for you.
Paul says: I remember when Lee and I first met in the woods. She was screaming hysterically because one of her little woodland vermin friends scurried up her arm to give her a tiara of beetles and crickets. I rode up on my noble steed, who was dressed up as a Klingon, as I was passing through on my way to the Star Trek convention. …And the rest is legend.