Thankful


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          The other day I was driving the boys home from school and listening to music. A song shuffled on that brought up a million memories. It was a hard not to smile and get extremely nostalgic. Doesn’t everybody have those songs that pluck the strings of memory so hard that it makes your whole body vibrate? My song was a little ditty released back in late November of 1987. I remember it really well….[ad#Digg]

          Steve and I drove to Melrose to find the UK release of the Eurythmics album, Savage. It was not scheduled to be released until later in December and Steve and I would not wait. We loved them! So with vinyl in hand, we went back to my home and listened to the entire record in my room. We fell in love with a few of the songs and ignored the obvious b-sides. Either way, the record was great. During this time, I was studying for my comps for my Masters. I could hang out with Steve doing this kind of stuff because this did not need to include the other two friends in the group, which was fine by me.

          In November of 1987, without any planning whatsoever, I fell in love with a guy who was already in a relationship. I fell for him on a fateful evening while she was out of town and Steve was busy with other commitments. We were not supposed to be alone and …SHAZAM…love. However, because he was in a relationship and there are rules about that, I stayed away from him. He had other ideas and would show up at my house, unannounced and being cute. I had poor resolve but kept my mouth shut, head down and pretended there was something interesting on the floor. 

          I cut off contact with him, blaming my exam. I studied all the time and avoided any get together. Spending the afternoon hunting for records and listening to an album was the respite I needed. I passed my exam and came home to find that he had called. My little brother relayed the message that he had called to check on me. Did I pass the exam? Was I happy? I was definitely happy after that.

          A month later, I received a call from him telling me that he had broken up with her. I remember my heart pounding  and getting dizzy. I did what any woman would do in that situation. I asked him to go dancing. Steve and I would hit up a gay club in Long Beach called Details. On Wednesdays, they had great music and I was the belle of the ball; one little, chunky girl and dozens of cute guys that loved to dance and would not reject me. I loved it!

          Wednesday night was fun as always. That night I had two partners. I felt incredible. He excused himself to go to the bathroom and the song I had first heard just a month before came on. “Hey! Is it my turn…do you want me to sing now…O.K….. Wooooooowww!” I went nuts! I started shouting to him, “I need a man! I need a man!” He ran over to me and we danced. Later I turned to Steve and asked him what he thought of the evening. I remember he said, “The corpse isn’t even cold yet.” I took this snarkiness to be that he approved of my boldness. 

          The song is a memory trigger of a time when I realized that ‘I need a man’. Not in that sick ‘I am nothing without a man way’ but a ‘I would really like a partner who will love me for who I am and support my awesomeness’.  It was also maturing in different ways as well. I believed I could handle a relationship at that point. I thought I could handle sex. For criminy sake, I was 22 years old! The song etched a place in my psyche that I will never forget. So, whenever the song shuffles on to the car radio I play it loud and lean over to Paul and whisper ’I need a man.’ The response is usually something dirty and private.

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