Real Relationship Advice
We recently wrote about a sexless marriage and received this question:
What if you’re in a sexless marriage simply because your husband won’t have sex with you?? There’s no desire of libido issues on either part, he just would rather masturbate then make love to you??!!
I chose to answer this in this forum because the question sparks so many questions of my own. Notably:
- How long has this been going on?
- Does he say that he loves you still?
- How was your sex life before this?
- Is it possible for the two of you to have time to have sex?
I have said this a million times before; sex is an important part of a marriage but will not necessarily kill it if you cannot do it anymore. However, the choice to not have sex must be mutual and mostly due to physical reasons. Also, the intimacy must be ramped up in other arenas such as more talking, affection, cuddling, etc. Sex in marriage is less about sharing the intimacy which is better served in different areas of a couple’s life. Sex is about fun, passion, desire, being wanted, feeling sexy and making your partner, and yourself, feel good. When we take that out of the marriage, it leaves a void. That void holds your self-esteem and much of your power.
When your spouse chooses to not have sex with you, it isn’t just a hit to the marriage but a devastating blow to your sense of self. Sex is really one of the only places in life where you feel wanted and desired. That feeling is better than twenty jumping jacks or even finishing a marathon. When someone wants you sexually (that is, someone who you care about and not some letch off the street) you feel empowered. This is the reasoning behind both members of a couple needing to seduce the other and or initiate sex on occasion. Feeling that someone finds you desirable does wonders for your self-confidence!
This is really a question of how you want to live. If you are fine with your husband preferring masturbation over you then there is nothing more to say or do here. I doubt it since you are asking the question. My concern is that my recommendations are too scary for you. You know I will recommend that you ask him if he still loves you. You know I will recommend that you ask him if he still finds you desirable. You know I will recommend that you have a frank discussion about what you both want in a marriage and that includes sex and all other intimacy.
As always, this depends on what you want. My guess is that you want more.
Thank you for your question. We are always available to answer questions publicly or privately.