Nov 022011

THE Relationship Blog

kardashian articleInline Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are getting a divorce. What a surprise

Monday was Halloween . This is one of my favorite days, aside it from being my brother’s birthday, I enjoy the fact that it is the one day a year we are expected to be playful, funny and irreverent. Halloween gives us permission to be creative and bold. However, due to some rather disturbing news from the land of celebrity, Halloween was marred by the announcement of Kim Kardashian’s divorce from her husband Kris Humphries. I don’t know about you but my Halloween was ruined.

The blush had not faded yet from the only 72 day old marriage. The ink had not dried from the pre-nuptial agreement. She was still picking rice out of her hair! So, what went wrong? Isn’t it obvious? He just couldn’t deal with her ‘Kimness’! Kris married a woman who long ago traded in her dignity and humanity for a brand and a reality show. Her life unfolded on camera and any real life activity was curtailed until a crew could show up. Kim is an image with an ass and somewhere along the line she decided that getting married was important.

Perhaps the ratings were down. Perhaps she resented the amount of attention that Khloe was getting when she married her husband. Perhaps she could see her sister’s fake lives eclipsing her own fake life. I take that back. I think Khloe is probably overshadowing her because we, as a society, can only take so much fakeness. Khloe is a breath of fresh realism in a completely plastic family.

Here’s what chaps my ass: You meet a guy who is nice and has values. You get him thinking that this is real and forever. You marry him in an extravaganza that airs on TV for over several hours and looks more like a long winded commercial with some bad Spanish novella overlays and close ups. Then you invite photographers to take pics of you on your honeymoon. Then, immediately upon returning home, the rumors start that there is trouble n paradise. Here’s a hint, there was never a paradise and Kim was never invested in this marriage except for the ratings!

In a world where people are fighting everyday for the right to marry, it takes some hairy balls to flaunt your ability to marry only to call it quits 72 days later. It’s this very behavior that has people thinking that marriage does not work. It’s a joke. It’s something to cross off your list so that you can say you’ve done it. ‘Oh no, marriage isn’t for me. It’s not natural.’ Of course it isn’t natural for a narcissist to marry someone and commit to being there for them through thick and thin. What if there is a party to go to or even better, rating sweeps requires some really dramatic arc to bump up the numbers?  The cynicism that it takes to pull this shit off is beyond normal cold feet.

The Kardashian’s, at least some of them, have some propensity towards personality disorders starting with Mama Pimp Kris who even did a show where she considered going back to the Kardashian name because of the brand! She told her husband Bruce Jenner, who in my humble opinion needs a self esteem intervention, that it would be best for her. Then all this blah blah blah drama and then Khloe goes and verbally bitch slaps her Mom back to fake reality. Are you really willing to fuck with your marriage for a little drama for your stupid ‘reality’ show? If that isn’t narcissism I don’t know what is.

Kim Kardashian, you owe Kris Humphries the truth and an apology. Admit to him that you chose him because his name starts with a K. Admit to him that you used him for ratings, some pretty wedding photos and the top story on Halloween over Herman Cains sexual misconduct. Admit to him that forever really meant until you could figure out your next big story. Then you can apologize to everyone for wasting their time with your banality and lack of talent, because let’s face it getting yourself in the news may be a talent to some but it’s still just a step above a drama queen or a perverse Munchausen by Reality Show.

Mar 252009
gqfeature3h Kims getting married. Husband: optional.

GQ photo shoot or wedding pictures? Only Kim knows.


The vexatious contradiction is the hallmark of a good woman.  They can be beguiling and in the same breath cut your heart out.  That is the true beauty of a woman.  We are the thorny rose!  However, sometimes women come around and mess up our flow.  Sometimes women do stupid things that make the rest of us beauties look bad.  They operate as stereotypes; the most vapid of clichés.  This weeks Celebrity Smackdown almost makes me feel dirty even mentioning her.  I place her in the category of celebrity but for the life of me I don’t know how or why she is considered to be one.  Of course, I am speaking of Kim Kardashian.

          First time I heard that name I lived in Los Angeles and was, like most of my fellow Angelenos, faithfully watching the O.J. Simpson debacle.  Kardashian was O.J.’s best friend and standing by his side as O.J. stood there a coupled of days after the infamous murders with band aids on his hands.  So what was I to think when this girl came up on the celebrity radar?  ‘Hey Kim, your dad was the best friend of a killer!’  But Kim acquired her celebrity, not from Daddy dearest who was a poor judge of character, but from allowing a douche bag to film her having sex with her.  Had I known that a sex tape was all it took to get an agent, Paul and I would be getting a baby sitter and start choreographing some acrobatic, energetic and, if I may, spectacular sex scenes.   

          So now Kim is huge.  No, not just her ass, but her brand.  She is everywhere, from a reality show to the fashion world.  And still I ask, why?  I don’t get it but is that enough for a smackdown?  No.  I can excuse her for being put in this position, pardon the pun.  Society elevated her to this status.  What I don’t excuse is her stupid behavior.  She recently announced something that will set back the women’s movement and feminism back to cave man days. 

          Kim is ‘Pre-Planning’ her wedding!  Yes ladies, you read that right.  Kim, who is not engaged, is going to plan her wedding that is not even scheduled or close to a reality.  Those of us who have actually planned and had weddings know that it isn’t an easy task and now the added pressure of being pre-prepared tacks on another level of anxiety that you just don’t need. 

          The worse part is that once again women are thrown into that category of rapacious marriage mongers.  All of us want to marry and have babies and have a picket fence and go to PTA meetings and have smart dinner parties.  Not only do we want all that but our wedding better kick ass and be more memorable and better than every wedding that ever took place.  Does Lamborghini make wedding favors? 

          Yo Kim, some women are quite happy not marrying or having babies or professional football players. We realize you live to be in the lime light and that kind of whoring is truly impressive and reminiscent of a Faustian deal. But you, regardless of how you got there or why you continue to be, are a celebrity and thus a role model of sorts.  Now, of course, you are in the same category of role model as Paris and all the other reality show dipshits who for some unknown reason we see as famous, but role model, nevertheless.  Little girls are already confused as it is and adding pre-planning a wedding just compounds this. 

          Kim, you seem nice.  Go to a vocational school and get yourself a career.  Do some honest work that doesn’t involve paparazzi or blowing someone on film.  Your career, much like your ass, will fall someday and that is what you should be pre-planning.