If Thursday is our favorite day of the week, Friday runs a close second. And now with the Holidays quickly approaching (can you hear the reindeer?), Fridays become a little more chaotic in our home. Lots of planning and decorating are on the schedule for the next few weeks. The family needs to work like a well oiled machine if we are going to pull off the best Christmas ever in this household. But before we move along and break into a tune, we need to impart our last Don’ts of Relationship for the week.
Lee says: Some of our wonderful readers have suggested some more Don’ts of Relationship (thanks Mike and Susan) such as: ‘Don’t forget to keep a peaceful home for each other. Don’t forget to take care of yourself so you can take care of your spouse. Don’t forget it’s ‘yours mine and ours’ not ‘me, mine and I’. Don’t go looking through your spouse’s things, even after your spouse says it’s okay.’ ‘Don’t date a jerk. Don’t date someone you know is wrong for you just because you don’t want to be alone. Don’t forget that being lonely isn’t a permanent state of being. Don’t focus only on flaws because then being lonely WILL be a permanent state of being.’ ‘Don’t let ‘I do’ mean I do let my spouse berate me, hit me, accuse me.’ ‘Don’t eat all the ice cream?’
I think I can distill most of these into one of the Don’ts we have mentioned in the week. Most of these fall into the Don’t Lie category which includes lying to yourself or others. Some fall into the Don’t Live Your Life for Others. And others definitely cross into Don’t Assume. So what have we missed so far? Like most entertainers, we leave the best for last:
Don’t Play Games
The last one I think covers the rest of Mike and Susan’s suggestions. Playing games involves taking no responsibility for your life, building a mystery and having people do things to prove their love to you. It also requires a good performance and a penchant for the dramatic. These are all ingredients that send Paul and I looking for the exit.
Game Players are simply scared. They believe that they will be alone forever because they are not worthy or incapable of sustaining a loving relationship. The Dysaffirmational mantra for them would be ‘If you really knew me you wouldn’t love me’. So creating relationships is seen strategically. How do I get this person to fall for me? How do I get this person to stick around?
Game Players appeal to the collective victim consciousness of people. They play the victim in some way. Perhaps it’s the girl who has been hurt so many times before or the nice guy that can’t find love because girls take advantage of them or the bully who is misunderstood and is really sensitive. These roles are not new and they are enacted every minute of everyday. You are reading this and saying ‘Hey wait a second, I know this movie!’ The truth is that we know these people!
We as a society are drama addicts. We relish watching people throw down over some sick stuff. Jerry Springer. Jon and Kate. Michael Jackson. Paris. Lindsay. All these people feed that Drama Fiend we have living inside of us. Sure, most of us watch these people and say ‘Wow, I thought I was messed up but this bitch takes the cake!’ However, what we fail to see is that drama has become the norm and anything less is boring. Once again we have raised that bar and our emotional threshold for anxiety and worry and drama is so through the roof that anything less is like a sleeping pill.
This is addiction at its most insidious. We think it’s normal because everyone does it. Technically, that is the very definition of normal but this new norm was created by skewing things to crazyland.
Think about it: You are in a relationship with someone who effectively communicated their feelings and asks you questions to clarify what you are feeling. These people are independent and yet still bonded to you because of love and deep appreciation. They are always honest with you and in times of crisis, they are committed to the relationship and willing to work things out. They will never have you guess what is going on and they take responsibility for themselves. Now, does that sound boring or like heaven?
Paul says: Don’t play games unless it is D & D. Then you need several bags of Cheetos and a box of wine. Please invite me.