Slap and tickle or what’s love got to do with it.
Good Monday Everybody! We would like to thank you for all your support. We hope you had a love filled weekend and that your Valentine’s Day was just covered in chocolate. Paul and I spent the weekend in a seminar where we worked on our individual issues. I know, it sounds so incredibly romantic. We didn’t even get to sleep together! I told you we didn’t celebrate Valentine’s.
Question: Any of you out there have a fight with your significant other this weekend? After which, did you guys make up? When you made up, did you have MAKEUP SEX?
Another rule to our relationship success: NO MAKEUP SEX. In fact, we rarely argue but when we do, we aren’t allowed to have sex for at least 36 hours. I know you’re saying: “Lee, if we don’t have makeup sex, we wouldn’t have sex at all” or “but it’s the best sex”. If you aren’t having sex at all, the argument and makeup sex are the least of your worries. Go seek professional help immediately. I am being serious. Go. Find a therapist. Go now.
Lee says: Now for those of you who just love makeup sex, what is it that you really like? When you argue, you stir up all sorts of feelings of anger, sadness, fear and these feelings trigger beliefs about yourself from way back in your childhood. Example: Your partner bought something outside of the budget or berates you about something you bought. The feelings that can come out are scarcity, not being enough and worthiness issues. You feel crappy about yourself. So now your partner or you say the magic words, “I’m sorry honey” and voila, all is better. What he/she was really saying was, “O.K. I feel bad. Let’s fuck so I can feel better.” So you go to bed and all those yucky feelings, mixed with anger, are paired with an orgasm (if you’re lucky). So guess what you’ll do next time?
Couples are fighting to have makeup sex. It’s the whole intimacy thing all over again. Do you want to connect after a fight when you are afraid that your lover will hate you and all those other yucky feelings? Just talk and hold each other. Don’t bring sex into that special time of reconnection. This is the most important time in a relationship. Let’s face it, there will be rough seas and you have to decide if those tough times will be used to strengthen your relationship or count ceiling tiles.
Paul says: Lee and I do not do the makeup sex thing because the idea is, well, stupid. I generally refrain from using the s-word as I find it somewhat infantile and I have found few things in life that brings out this type of base response, but this is one of them. I relegate the statement “the fight was worth it because the makeup sex was so good” to the same category that houses “he hits me because he loves me” and “men are from Mars, women are from Venus”. When I hear these manifestos of dysfunction, I just want to shake the person and yell, “Stop thinking that way”.
Now I take a deep breath and find my Zen center; enough that I can communicate, at least in part, why the concept of placing anger into sex appalls me so much.
Sex is not the be-all and end-all of a relationship, but it is a foundational part of it. It is a physical manifestation of passion. There are so many good, solid, fun emotions that can be thrown into the act; lust, admiration and humor, to name a few. Why sully sex with negative emotions? Next time, try blanketing sex with repulsion. See how “hey baby, you repulse me. Let’s do it” works for you.
Lee’s response: Nope, doesn’t do it for me. Let’s arm wrestle to see who goes on top.