Paul’s Christmas List

It doesn't work. Live and learn.

          As the Chief Operating Officer, IT director, barista and janitorial staff of CoupleDumb, Paul feels that it is time to make his requests to the big guy in the red suit. He is letting everyone else see it in case they want to pitch in and get him a little something.


          Paul says: Dear Santa, I have been a good boy (relatively speaking) all year so this is what I want for Christmas. Thank you in advance. (Please notice how polite I am being.)


Is that what a throng looks like?Throng of adoring fans – I want a large stadium with lights and pyrotechnics. Then the almost half dozen fans that we have would need to throng for me. Admittedly, I do not know what thronging looks like so I will leave that to the gift giver to figure out. If you are going to throw your panties, please make certain that they are clean and unused. I will not be doing anything sexual with them but I will be wearing them on my head and doing a cute little dance.Insert body in hole.

         

Chicken wire and cinderblock bricks – Let’s face it, sometimes shit goes down and my job is to clean up the mess. We live by the ocean. Bodies float. Bricks don’t. ‘Nuff said.


Bitches in the front, hos in the back. Whoop Whoop.Yacht – I do not so much want a yacht as much as I need a yacht. I’m not a big water person but where else is a famous player like me going to get away from the paparazzi and spend some time with his bitches and ‘hos? (‘Bitches and hos’ = Lee)

 

Square jaw and bad attitude sold separately.

Night vision goggles – These I do want because they are cool. Come on, when I was a kid these were military issue only. Now you can get them as a toy. What’s next, thermonuclear weapons by Mattel (rated of children 6+)?


This guy looks fine.Babysitter at our beck and call – because sometimes the little shits drive us crazy. Yes, we love our kids… blah, blah, blah. But they can be a pain in the ass. The worst part is that I never know when they are going to devolve from cute to hyperactive apes. Thus, we need the babysitter to be standing by and prepared to take over as the whim strikes. Don’t worry about background checks. I wouldn’t.


What? Only six ports!ChargePod – I just want this to say that I have it. It will sit right next to my electronic nose hair clippers, my American Bald Eagle, a perfectly balanced Katana (ala Kill Bill) and the Original Declaration of Independence.


I get erect just looking at it.Virtual Keyboard – I want, I want, I want. This thing makes a laser keyboard that you can actually use. This is so much cooler than painting a regular keyboard with glow-in-the-dark paint and typing at night.


          So that is my list. Don’t give me any of that ‘thought that counts’ crap and substitutions are not acceptable. I will take the cash equivalent though. Again, thank you in advance. (I’m still being polite, damn it!)

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