Parents Confess


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          We are currently living in a world where the Stepford parents have taken over the airwaves. Gone are the days of the Bundy’s and joking about kids. We are living in a society that is leaning towards home-schooling and coddling a child until they are soft boiled and socially retarded. Then, conversely since they spend so much time with Mommy/Daddy, these kids think they are adults but have a very limited view of the real world. Do we have opinions about kids? Yes! We love them but we do have a few confessions to make:

1. We don’t really like children.

We love our children and we like them often but we do not have to like your children. Just because they are small doesn’t mean that we have to like them. There are times that we find children entertaining but, then again, we find monkeys and other trained animal acts amusing also. Also, we don’t really trust people that do like children’s company all the time. It’s kind of creepy, you know?

2. Children are gross.

The cutest little pink-dressed girl is nothing more than a ball of mucus in an overpriced outfit.  Much may be said about monkeys flinging poo but kids are just as disgusting and gross. They just have better PR.

3. We have been known to raise our voices to our little angels.

Childrearing can be frustrating and children love to test limits. If a kid isn’t testing limits then he’s not too bright. Sadly, smart and pain-in-the-ass go hand in hand. So sometimes we resort to chest beating and shouting to make our point. Sure, yelling could damage little Aurora Sundrop’s psyche but a good Mommy bark has been known to get the point across quickly. Do we enjoy it? Sometimes. Wasn’t it Machiavelli who said as long as the car ride is quiet then all is good?  

4. We have resorted to guilt trips to get what we want.

Unfortunately, our kids don’t carry around their passport. It’s amazing how a little self-esteem derails guilt. That’s why our parents were so successful.

5. Sometimes we like going to amusement parks without our children.

We think the name says it all. Amusement. Our kids amuse us but mostly they bring out the wranglers in us. An amusement park visit is usually an endless chant of ‘where is ____?’ and ‘get off of that!’ and ‘what’s in your mouth?’ This to us is not amusing. Sure, it is a great pleasure to watch the wonderment and joy of our children but frankly all that gets washed away when one of them walks more than 10 feet away out of our general parent radius and we lose our minds momentarily before we find them standing next to another family.

6. We think our children are trying to drive us crazy.

Have you ever had a circular conversation with your child? Have you noticed how much fun they have when they see that little vein throbbing in your forehead? We have a theory that our children have weekly meetings to discuss new and evil ways of gas-lighting us. Sure, they don’t seem capable of evil doings but we have faith in our kids ability to drive us nuts.

          You are probably wondering, ‘Are these guys kidding?’ The answer would be a resounding ‘Maybe’. The truth is in the frustration. Any parent who blindly adores and fawns over everything that their Cody Buckaroo does is denying their ‘adultness’. We must acknowledge the frustration, irritation and downright annoyance of some of our children’s behavior to maintain our sanity. The reality is that your little Dakota Somerset is not going to live in a world of ‘yes’ and ‘good jobs’ where everyone thinks they eat candy to poop jellybeans. We must prepare them for the real world and for some that means a little bark or honest feedback that their accordion playing is not up to Lawrence Welk standards.

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