Our Celebrity Christmas List
Hola friends and enemies! It’s Wednesday when we usually find an innocent celebrity and have our way with them. Some weeks are worse than others and we realize that since Christmas is quickly approaching, Santa might not like us smacking down these unsullied ingenuous. It’s like beating up baby sheep! So, before they send us 3 + ghosts, we are changing our wicked ways (just for the Christmas season because we want our presents). In fact, we are going to show you our Christmas list for celebrities that we are sending Santa on behalf of these wayward puppies. And remember, it’s the thought that counts.
This year, instead of backing up your sleigh to our house and dropping off loads of presents, we ask that you give our gifts to celebrities who can use the miracle of the season more than us. Yes, we keep Christmas in our heart all year long (except for Wednesdays and the occasional road trip). However, some of these celebrities have forgotten the miracle of this season and need to be reminded. Some will need a gentle nudge while others will require more convincing that we will arrange with some Russian friends we have. So without further ado, our short but selfless list.
As minor celebrities, we know it can be tough to turn down that bottle of champagne when it’s sent to our table. It’s even harder to stop ourselves from getting behind the wheel or even walking the sidewalk that is covered in paparazzi. So for our friends like Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Keifer Sutherland, Mel Gibson, Shane Lamas, Joyce DeWitt, the Black Power Ranger, Carmine Ragusa, Bobby from Brady Bunch, Sam Shepard, Charles Barkley, Tank Girl, gay dude from Trading Spaces (we should be more specific shouldn’t we), Shia LeBeouf, Heather Locklear, MaryAnn, Gary Collins and so many others that we are afraid we’re going to herniate a disc on our poor Santa, we ask for an AlcoHawk Pro: Professional Edition Digital Alcohol Detector.
For the celebs listed above and for those who partake in other substances, we also ask for Native Remedies Liver Dr. for Ongoing Liver Health (50ml) because you know those livers look like an oil filter on a car that was driven by a ditzy teen who forgot to ever change the oil and the engine seized.
We would love to ask for common sense but we know that it is neither common nor does it always make sense. We would ask for handlers that would save them from the onslaught of press that will force them to open their mouths and say stupid things. However, they have those people but unlike you Santa, they can’t be everywhere all the time.
Some things that these celebrities need are not available in stores and would require some extra special skills to acquire. We would like to send John Travolta, Kelly Preston, Jenna Elfman, Kirstie Ally and a bunch of other Scientologists a team of Deprogrammers. They are obviously out of their minds and Stockholm Syndrome is not a joke. We have intentionally omitted Tom Cruise because it has become obvious that without the pseudo religion, he would have nothing.
We thank you for everything Santa. We promise next year our list will be tame and include the usual things like Peace on Earth, a Ferrari and diamond encrusted grills.
Love, Lee and Paul