Never That Cool


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          It only comes once a year and this year is a big one for me. This 19th of December is my 45th birthday! I have this weird feeling that this is a very important birthday since this is the first time that I am noticing things I will never be able to do. At my age, there are a buttload of things I can no longer even attempt!  At my age I can’t even do things like enlist in the army or even volunteer for a fire department. Not that I have any intention on doing either but when they deny you even the opportunity, you feel it. But let’s face it, the body goes, reflexes slow and my vision is just north of a white cane. 

          What is actually stinging a little more than the physical is the cool factor. I have come up with a list for my birthday to demonstrate my insights into the sad fact that I will never be cool enough to do certain things.

          1. I will never be cool enough to refer to a person with whom I have intercourse as a ‘lover’. No, not ‘lover’. More like ‘a lovah’.  I will never take a ‘lovah’ and I will never casually refer to a guy a friend is sleeping with as their ‘lovah’. I can’t do it. I have a physical reaction to the word. Maybe it comes from my own understandings about sex and love or maybe I find the use of the word so incredibly pretentious. Either way, I just do not have the coolness to pass it off.

          2. I will never be cool enough to slap a man and walk away. I’m not talking about domestic violence but that super cool chick move where he says something stupid and she just smacks him and glides away. No. If I ever get into such a tizzy, where I would slap a guy’s face, I would probably lose it and go spider monkey on his ass. I would be wailing on him, spitting, gnashing and screaming profanities in Spanish while a group of guys pull me off of the poor, beaten bastard. I know myself well enough to know that I would probably be voted most likely to be tasered than cool.

          3. I will never be cool enough to do a perfume commercial. You know those bizarre commercials that show some starlet who is disaffected and aloof. You know the one where the woman is a combination of drunk and drugged and possibly soulless? Yeah, I can’t pull off that kind of cool. I am a hothead. I am all heart and personality and would be horrible at being a contestant on ‘What’s My Line’ because I am an open book and I am more likely to blurt out the secret than looking aloof. I have managed aloof while under sedation but that just isn’t a way I’d like to live.

          4.  I will never be cool enough to hang out with the Sex and the City bitches. Sure, I can keep up on the banter and I can whip out a quip faster than anyone but frankly, I’m allergic to cranberries and a cosmo could kill me and I just can’t do the lovah thing. I think most of my non-cool factor comes from unwillingness to fuck other guys. Sadly, I am consigned to a life of suburban bliss, surrounded by loved ones and kept warm by my husband. Damn it!

     I’ll never be that girl or rock the leather jacket because chubby girls really shouldn’t wear those things. I’ll never wake up not remembering what or who I did the night before unless dementia takes me earlier than planned. I’ll never be that woman who demands bling for birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas or at least something that requires an oversized bow because I think that it’s silly and I would get angry if my husband spent that kind of money on me. I am simple. I am low-maintenance. I am a hot head. I am funny. I am smart. I am as mature as I allow myself to be. I do not play well with others. I am loyal to a fault. I am the best friend you will ever have and you will miss me if you mess up this friendship. I am a great woman but I will never be that cool. Happy Birthday to me!

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